So.

The kittens have colds/eye infections. All of them. The colds have just about run their course, but the eye infections necessitate eye goo. Penny is not thrilled about this turn of events, but she needs to get used to it, frankly. They're old enough now that we don't need to stress about them getting cold, so tomorrow we'll move them all out of the furnace room into a place that's actually clean and acceptable for kittens. Penny.

Oh, and also tomorrow I'm escorting my father into town to get a little spinal surgery.

You could say that I'm feeling anxious and that would not be inaccurate.

Part 3.

Isn't it crazy how much I'm posting? All on the same thing! I haven't even told you about my cat!



Katherine was right to assure me! Turns out I have an ordinary (though sizable) chunk of whatnot floating around in my vitreous humor. Nothing is torn or sagging or broken or otherwise in danger of blinding me. So for the next several months I can just expect a little extra bling in my visual field. Optical razzle dazzle, if you will.

In other eyeball news, I mentioned that I was concerned that my vision has seemed less sharp in the past few years, since all the thyroid stuff. The doctor was very nice, but he glared at me through his spectacles with an "i hate you die" vibe that I have gotten lots of times in the past (and which, actually, I'll probably be getting from you in a moment!), before telling me that my vision is 20/15. Yay!! (Sorry.)

Then he got up in my grill about my scleral show. Not saying that there was anything of concern, just that it was weird. And man, whatever. Haters gonna hate.

More on all that.

Today I am out:

[-] One-tenth of a unit of blood.
[-] More bucks.
[-] Of patience with the doctor I saw today. His parting suggestion to me was: "Why don't you try losing some weight? That should make you feel better." He means the weight that I gained after he lowered my thyroid dosage to an amount that he doesn't even remember, which I reminded him of several times, probably. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT EVER. He also asked how things were working out ("Good?") with the medication that I stopped taking over a year ago, because it was completely ineffective. I tried to be helpful by bringing in a typed list of my symptoms and complaints, and he told me he didn't have time to look at it. Gotta bounce! Call me next week sometime!


But I am in:

[-] An ophthalmology appointment tomorrow morning! Woooooo!!

A day in the life.

A while back I wanted to write something conflating the state of health care in the United States with my personal health care and insurance experiences. It was godawfully depressing, so I scrapped it. TL;DR: Health care reform doesn't only benefit the uninsured.

Anyway, here's a story.

Yesterday (It's Groundhog Day!) was my father's birthday. Just for reference. Shortly after waking up, I noticed a gray spot floating in my vision. If you'd like to help diagnose me, I will tell you that it's in the middle and slightly to the outside of the field of vision of my right eye. The best way I can describe it is that it looks like a sequin. It's perfectly round, with a hole in the middle, and sort of blinky. I can also see it when I close my eyes. My vision is not otherwise affected. I waited for it to go away or develop into a migraine or something, but it just kept on as is.

I hit the internet and learned all about floaters. From what I could tell, I was either perfectly fine and had nothing to worry about, or my retina was about to detach -- a completely painless process that might cause me permanent blindness. I think this is not likely based on what I've read, but you never know.

The best idea would be to call up an ophthalmologist. But of course, it is generally hard to get an appointment with a specialist in short order, which I figured is what I would need if something gruesome and irreversible were happening to me. So I opted to make an appointment with my primary care physician, who could at least let me know if I should start panicking and seek urgent care, or calm down and wait it out.

My doctor, it turns out, is on vacation for the next several weeks. I was able to secure an appointment instead with one of his associates. While this fellow may not have been the tooliest tool who ever tooled, he was still a real tool. I told him I had a spot in my vision. He then immediately told me that there was nothing he could do for me.

"Why didn't you go to your eye doctor?"
"Um, I don't have an eye doctor."
"Oh, so you need a referral."
"I don't know what I need. That's why I came here."

Before he scuttled out the door I asked if he could at least tell me whether or not my retina is detaching, and he told me know he has no way of knowing that. I did not, at that point, ask if I could have my money back. I should have though, because, seriously.

The referral actually came from the girls at the reception area. And, they are nice, but they are not doctors.

"Do you want someone in [the town where I live]?"
"Uh. I want someone who's good."
"Oh, they're all good. Here, this one's in [the town where I live]."

So I called this guy for an appointment when I got home. His receptionist kept trying to get me to specify a time window, and I tried to get her to specify a date. I mean, I can guarantee that I have more openings in my schedule than a doctor's office does in theirs. So you tell me what you have available, and I'll see if I can make it then. (I mean, seriously, is it me? With these people?) Anyway, the earliest appointment I could get is two weeks out. Which I now have, tentatively, booked.

Tomorrow I'm going to look for someone else who may have a closer appointment available. I called a place today called Retina Associates which seemed like a good bet, but was informed that, despite the fact that all the doctors there are listed as ophthalmologists, none of them are actually ophthalmologists. They deal exclusively with retina and inner eye issues, so unless I already know that's where the problem lies, they are not my best bet.

I'm seeing my endocrinologist tomorrow, and I'll ask him if he knows anyone, on the off-chance. Endocrinologists usually know people, I've found. He called me this morning to ask if he can bump my appointment up an hour. I agreed to it, but ... hell. That throws off my whole morning.

Basically, multiply this day by every 4-8 weeks or so, and you have what I do with myself all the time and where all my money goes.

Oh, right, my blog!

So, I made sauce today. It's quite good. I mean, I think it is. As far as I can tell it is. It's sort of hard to taste.

Incidentally, it's almost the 17th of January and I have not been well a single day this year. Impressive! I currently have a sinus infection, which came at the behest of a strangely intense flu. I don't know if it was the swine flu. Maybe! And this was after I rang in the new year with crackers and ginger ale for stomach virus.

There are things that I was going to say! About what I've thought about television shows, or the cat that doesn't want to be our friend (yet), or the stuff I've made with my hot* little hands, or ... well, probably not that, or Comcast, or this and that.

Hi, internet.

*my hands are usually cold.

I'm not knocked up.

I just wanted to say that first, because I'm about to post a side-view of my abdomen, and I didn't want anyone to be confused. ... But then I cropped it anyway, so you can't really tell what part of my body this is. ... But just sayin', it's a side-view of my abdomen. My fragile, squishy abdomen, where any number of things go wrong on a daily basis. ... Just sayin'.

Feel free to zoom!



Friends. Citizens. What does this look like to you? DON'T SPARE MY FEELINGS.

I'm trying to save my freaking out until it's absolutely necessary. But I am not happy.

Let's talk about how I'm sick.

Meme via Valerie.

1. The illnesses I live with are: Polycystic ovarian syndrome, endometriosis, thyroid disease, plus a mess of fun complications.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999, 2007, 2002

3. But I had symptoms since: 1993, 1996, 2002

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: I guess just generally being unwell? I take pills everyday, I see doctors all the time, I get bloodwork and other tests done frequently, I rage about health insurance and doctor incompetence.

5. Most people assume: I don't know if they really assume anything. I mean, unless I say something. A few months ago I mentioned my medication to my niece, and she asked me, "Why are you on medication? You're not crazy." ... It was funny because most people we know are on medication because they're crazy. Although, off medication, people have thought I was crazy, because crashing mood swings are a thing.

6. The hardest part about mornings is: Getting up? I've never been a morning person, though, so I can't say if this is to blame.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery Diagnosis.

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: I don't really have gadgets. My pill carrier is pretty useful, but I can find other ways of toting them around.

9. The hardest part about nights is: Getting off the computer? I don't know, it's not really a day/night sort of deal.

10. Each day I take 8 pills & vitamins. I take Glucophage, Yaz (though I need something else, because it sucks), Magnesium, B6, Levothyroxin, Singulair, and Zyrtec. (Oh, I'm also pretty much allergic to everything, but that's not really a disease.)

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: think they're okay? I mean, alternative treatment in this case means exercise and restricted diets, which I don't do with regularity because in my case they don't make a difference.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose: Invisible. I mean, I guess visible illnesses are good (... you know what I mean) because other people can understand them easily and give you appropriate support. But most people probably wouldn't guess that I'm a sickly person, and I really like that better.

13. Regarding working and career: Well, I tried to work in an industry that requires the constant maintenance of youth and beauty while fighting a condition that makes you fat, hairy, discolored, and broken-out. So, there's at least one reason that didn't turn out so well.

14. People would be surprised to know: Well, no offense lady, what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Nothing? I mean, at this point it's been over ten years, and I don't really know anything else. Before that I was a child, and that just doesn't count.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: 1. Be off medication and 2. have babies. 1. I can't, and 2. it's never come up.

17. The commercials about my illness There are no commercials about my illness.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Again, I don't really know anything else.

19. It was really hard to give up: Nothing? I mean, I wasn't doing anything that I shouldn't have been doing.

20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: ... Every hobby I've taken up since I was 15. ... I think I'm doing this wrong.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Really, I think I'm doing this wrong. My health issues are so intertwined with everything else in my life, I can't really think about them separately.

22. My illness has taught me: You have to be an active advocate for your own health. You must stay on top of it, because you're the only person who can. Do not rely on doctors. The only difference between a doctor and you is information: if you had the information they had, you'd be a doctor. That said: use doctors. If what they're doing isn't making you better, make them change or get someone who will help you. Do not be passive and do not let things go.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is: It's caused by being fat, and if you lose weight, you'll be fine. I get that this is true for a lot of conditions, and frankly sometimes I'm petty about it. I call Type I diabetes "real diabetes" and anytime I hear that someone stopped taking medication after losing weight, my inky heart shrinks a fraction. I've been an healthy and attractive weight, exercised constantly, stuck to a dietitian's plan*, and had optimal levels of all the things medical science worries about**. I was just as sick, just as symptomatic as when I did absolutely nothing. So it goes.

* although there's little about my usual whole-grain organic water-guzzling vegetarian diet you could find fault with. I caught part of this special on television the other day where a woman said she was able to lose weight after she stopped having cookies and soda for breakfast. Christ, I could have spit.

** this is also just generally true. I'm in pretty good shape aside from all the things that are wrong with me.

24. But I love it when people: Are duly impressed at the wealth of things that are wrong with me. Just for a minute. Because, well, yes, it does suck. Thanks for noticing.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Ha! Not to sound like my mother or anything, but other people have it a lot worse. I mean, not that that makes it suck any less, but I don't have something terminal. It's nothing to shake my fist at God over.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: I don't. I like to listen.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It's surprisingly easy. People apparently freak out at the idea of having to take pills forever and seriously you guys, you guys seriously, it's not that big a deal. Honestly, the biggest problem is how much it all costs. Which once again proves that money can buy you happiness because if I had more money it seriously would fix everything.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: I can't think of anything. Please feel free to infer that this says horrible things about my life.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Oh man, I'm totally not involved with anything!

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Suspicious and anxiously secretive.

status

In the good news pile, my internet is repaired. Yes, just today. It ... please. In other news, though, I have the plague. But probably not swine flu, and I don't think I will become a zombie, so that's pretty good. Of course, I frequently have the plague. I'd estimate that I have some sort of respiratory infection or inflammation approximately 40% of the time, I just don't tell you about it. It would be like saying, "By the way, I still have fingers." But I mentioned it last time so I feel the need to tie up loose ends. Also it relates to my next two points:

- I was going to make a post for Mother's Day which I'd been planning to write since last Father's Day. I didn't, because I was busy having plague. So when I write it eventually, pretend that it's adorably timely.

- I will be house sitting this weekend, and besides watching a lot of HBO OnDemand and eating less healthily than usual, I will probably be bored. I was going to suggest you call me! You know, if you want to geek out about your new iPod, or if you've had a baby (or want to talk about Lost, whichever), or if you have an international calling card you're desperate to waste, or what have you. It could have been fun! But I kind of can't talk because I have plague. So I hope there's reruns of True Blood.

Things that are currently killing me.

In no particular order:

1. My sinuses. It's too early to tell if I have an ear infection, a cold, swine flu, or if I just breathed in too much pine tree (which may lead to one of the preceding), but the left side of my face is not happy.

2. My uterus? I don't even know what body parts are at issue, but I've been having lots of pain in the lower abdominal region for a few weeks. And no, it's not that thing that women get. Or, I don't know, maybe it's that thing that some women get, me being one of those women. Maybe I should have mentioned that this one was going to be about stuff growing on my girl organs. OH SORRY. Anyway, this is not a new problem, but if this is what it is, it's certainly a new intensity.

3. Money. Or rather, my lack thereof. You know how poor you are? I wish I were that poor right now.

4. My mother. Enough said.

5. The internet, general. For the past three days I have had a slow, wonky connection. This sucks because not only am I on the internet all the time, some of that time spent on the internet I'm actually doing important things that may cause me to be less poor. Also because if I see "Page Load Error" one more time, I may have to do something crazy like go watch television or maybe even read a book. I could have been doing both those things on the internet!

6. The internet, specific. Take a look at this. In the immortal words of the great Christian Bale, NO, FUCK NO!

and, as always...
7. Other people. Hell, it is them.

Update for the sake of updating.

I am still sad, and nothing has felt interesting enough to blog about, but I figured it was time to bump the dead cat post from the top of the list.

It was suddenly a billion degrees over the weekend, and I was ill. I figured the best thing to do would be to annihilate Madagascar with Fluffy Kitten Amoebic Encephalopathy, but the only time I managed to get them, Canada screwed me over by closing its borders and developing a vaccine. Curse you, socialized medicine!

Thank goodness for New Moon filming, though. It has kept me up to my ears in lulz, despite the super secretness of the production. If you ever wondered what happened to Merry's hair from LotR, don't worry. It went to a good home.

Speaking of filming, I may have teared up. I'm not saying definitely, but it might have happened.

Local girl survives weekend in freezing woods; subsisted on cookies, she says.

There is an article about Neko Case in this week's edition of the New York Times Magazine. MY SPHERES ARE INTERSECTING AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS. And unlike in most instances where I say that and I really mean, "My feelings about this matter lean towards the negative," this time I really don't know! I mean, on one hand there's yay, but on the other hand there's a lot of ???.

In other news, I sprained my ankle and it's still impressively swollen and there's some bruising. But I can walk okay. Also, I discovered that 280 East has a lot of things in common with Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

But aside from that, I had a nice weekend. And there were cookies!

*waves tiny flag*

In other news, I've been ridiculously ill for the past four days or so. I think. I can't remember. One thing I did learn is that if you try to drink water while your nasal breathing is completely impaired, you will think you're drowning.

The more you know!

Heave and sigh.

At this point, I don't even know how I have any sinus tissue left to infect.

Better!

I am.

Yeah, I'm definitely a lot less happy today.

Because I think I'm having a kidney stone attack. Or appendicitis! Or a burst cyst! It's always so much fun to guess. But I'm pretty sure it's a kidney stone.

I've been downing water and tea since 8 o'clock this morning, very little of which is coming out of me in the approved way. Although I did have some mostly-water projectile vomit a little while ago, so that was really fun. I also have to wait another 2-ish hours before I can take more oxycodone, which will be fine until ... probably about half an hour from now.

Other than being doped up and in near-constant pain, I'm pretty much going about my day as normal. What the hell else am I gonna do, right? My mother stayed home today, so happily I have someone to take me to the emergency room, if that becomes the prudent choice of action.

Incidentally, in case you were wondering what was up yesterday, some epic, and eventually legendary shit was going down on the internet because of Comic Con. Or, its new name: Ear Rape '08.

In an effort to distract both myself and you, here's an interview with Robert Pattinson, star of the hot mess that is Twilight. I think it adequately captures why I'm officially obsessively in love with him now. That and the fact that he showed up to this thing high as a kite covered in hickies wearing clothes he stole from the set and monumentally disheveled hair. I know that doesn't sound like it follows, but to be honest, the dirtier he seems, the fewer inhibitions I feel.

In which I look totally fucking emo.

Backstory: This coming Saturday there's an audition in town that I was considering going to. Even though I would have to get there late, because my Business Venture ties me up for a good chunk of my Saturdays. I can't let that stop me! Plus, I think I would be well-suited to that one role. No, not the sax player. I am not in the slightest bit emo, but I have range. Although, ironically, and for the first time ever, I may be too tall.

Of course, if you read all the small print, winning the audition would include not simply playing an emo character, but ... becoming part of an actual emo band. And while I would love to play a character and/or be in a band, there are certain lines that cannot be crossed. Which lead me to my decision of "no."

But!! Not until I had already tarted myself up emo-style to prove to myself I could. And took pictures. For the record, this is generally what my awesome new hair looks like. It looks even better when I'm not wearing all black and lipstick for eyeliner.

Emo!
Emo!!
Emo!!!

I feel the strange urge to get a MySpace.

Turns out it was not the sweet potatoes.

Nor the stuffing!

Turns out it was the virus.

Not fun! Although, in related news, hooray for my delectable feast of crackers.

This was the perfect time for my health insurance provider to let me know that my coverage is going up again this year. By 250 more dollars.

Oy.

Oy.

Why did you hate me, Thanksgiving???

It's about 3:30 now, so I've decided that I should try eating something again. It is dry cereal.

Thanksgiving did not agree with me. Do not misunderstand: the food was sublime. We cut down on the dishes this year, so we actually only had the ones that everyone likes and eats. I had so much sweet potato. It was excellent!

However, somewhere in-between the soup and the nuts*, my body realized that it really only likes cereal right now. My stomach is actually sore, as if I had done many sit-ups. It's horrible.

*the cheese and the pie

Um. It wasn't really the zombie apocalypse.

Good thing, too, because I didn't have any gas in my car that day. Isn't that always the way? You think, "Oh, I'll be fine for a few days. I can get gas tomorrow." Well, what if tomorrow is the zombie apocalypse? You see what I mean.

I could have sworn I was here to actually make an entry about something. Oops! I am listening to the Decemberists. As one does. I recently learned that Colin Meloy wrote "Red Right Ankle" for his girlfriend, which means that I can't entertain thoughts of marrying him anymore. That's just so sweet.

Oh, also, because I have a significant other already. Did you know that? I realized after the last entry that I never write about him. But I totally still have one! About that, actually, my boyfriend kind of looks like a blonder Colin Meloy. Sort of. I like him much more, though. One of the reasons that I don't ever talk about my relationship is, seriously, you people are mushy and gross and boring and boring when you do that, and I honestly don't trust myself to be any better. I mean, sometimes! Not all the time. I mean it in a good way. Other reasons include "I hate being candid" and "It's none of your business."

One of my workmates pointed out that I have gray hair today. Seriously. About both the fact that I have gray hair and that he pointed it out. He's a dick. I have no idea why I haven't quit yet. I'm not even sure I like money this much, to be honest.

HOLY CRAP, what is this entry about? If I may, I would like to blame the whole thing on the fact that I have been very very tired for the past week or so. I take long naps and then sleep through the night anyway. And wake up sleepy. It hasn't even been that hot. I really hope I'm not developing some crazy illness. I have quite enough of those.

20 days until Order of the Phoenix! I'm much more excited for this than I was for any other movie, first because OotP is my favorite book in the series, and secondly because I've been following the production updates since they were casting. That's over a year and a half! And then there's the book, which I am so disproportionally excited about I can't even get into it right now. I've been feeling the urge lately to get depressed and read Anne Rice books. I can't though! There's no time! POTTER!

My spleen is unremarkable.

Thank you, my public, for your words of concern. So, turns out that I still have some nephrolithic calculi gunking up my kidneys. So I get to see a urologist and eventually do this all again. But it's okay. I won't have to pussy out about it like last time. Also, according to the internet, women who've done both say that passing a kidney stone has pain that matches or exceeds labor pain. So hey, I've got that going for me now.

My organs are all okay, though, which is the important thing.

And now, here's some mushy crap.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Physical Touch:		8
Receiving Gifts:		5
Acts of Service:		3
Words of Affirmation:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

I guess that's pretty true!