Today I drove my car to market. Actually, first I drove it to the McDonald's to pick up the giant sweet tea that I often get to reward myself for leaving the house when I don't strictly have to. My life is soberingly predictable most of the time.
So, this is the scene: I am in my car. I am driving down a largish street. It is at this time that I notice something crawling up the frame of my driver's side window. It is a spider. It is inside. And of course it's not just any spider, either! It's one of those ulcerating necrotized bite wound spiders! OF COURSE IT IS! Those things fucking love me!! So as I'm cruising along at around 40 mph, in moderate traffic, I lower my window in the hopes that it will simply slip outside. And then maybe I could crush it squishily by rolling up the window real fast again, or maybe it would just be violently ripped from the window by the outside air flow. I wasn't picky.
BUT IT WAS ON TO ME.
Instead of going out the window, it decided to head for the roof of the car, slipping with sickening awkwardness as it ran along the vinylene or whatever the roof is made of. For the aid of your visualization, I will point out that the part of the roof adjacent to the window is directly over my head. It was one good jostle away from falling in my hair or onto my eyeball or whatever biteable part of me physics would get it to.
It was at this point that I was able to turn onto a small side street, so there were only about 30 seconds in which I might have crashed due to spider terror. So I stopped, turned on the very apt hazard lights, and proceeded to crawl backwards over the seat divider, not taking my eyes of it for a moment. God it was so hideous. Then I got out.
At some point my eyes looked away, and when they looked back it had, naturally, disappeared. Which meant I was going to have to hunt it and kill it or else I would never get home. The street I was stopped on was GREGORY TERR, which was almost prescient. I was a teardrop away from calling my father and telling him I couldn't get back in my car. BUT MY PHONE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SPIDER TERRITORY.
Also, it was hot. Hotter than it's been in recent days, and I was wearing long pants and sleeves. I guess at the weather, usually. The radio was still on, and I was listening to the station that I like most of the time. Only now, they had on the DJ that I hate -- he wasn't even supposed to be on yet! -- and they were playing a long block of Bruce Springsteen because apparently, if you're into this, today is his birthday. HE WOULD. (I don't really dislike The Boss all this much, but this was no time for nuance.) And, I mean, have I mentioned about the venomous spider roaming freely in the mystery places of my car? It was, and really, I want to stress this: IT WAS NOT OKAY.
But let's cut to the heroic battle already: I eventually located it, constructing what appeared to be a lair, in the space between the driver's seat and the arm rest. I shuddered for ages. I knocked at things and it fell to the floor. I grabbed my ice scraper like a cudgel. After a few tricky plays, I was finally able to squish it like few invertebrates have been squished before.
Later, after I had made it to the mart, I felt the sudden urge to fall asleep on my feet. That's adrenaline for you. Then I discovered that they were out of that microwavable Pad Thai that I like, so that's why I'm now sitting here eating Lucky Charms. My diet is amazing.
Wednesday
Tuesday
Let's talk about how I'm sick.
Meme via Valerie.
1. The illnesses I live with are: Polycystic ovarian syndrome, endometriosis, thyroid disease, plus a mess of fun complications.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999, 2007, 2002
3. But I had symptoms since: 1993, 1996, 2002
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: I guess just generally being unwell? I take pills everyday, I see doctors all the time, I get bloodwork and other tests done frequently, I rage about health insurance and doctor incompetence.
5. Most people assume: I don't know if they really assume anything. I mean, unless I say something. A few months ago I mentioned my medication to my niece, and she asked me, "Why are you on medication? You're not crazy." ... It was funny because most people we know are on medication because they're crazy. Although, off medication, people have thought I was crazy, because crashing mood swings are a thing.
6. The hardest part about mornings is: Getting up? I've never been a morning person, though, so I can't say if this is to blame.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery Diagnosis.
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: I don't really have gadgets. My pill carrier is pretty useful, but I can find other ways of toting them around.
9. The hardest part about nights is: Getting off the computer? I don't know, it's not really a day/night sort of deal.
10. Each day I take 8 pills & vitamins. I take Glucophage, Yaz (though I need something else, because it sucks), Magnesium, B6, Levothyroxin, Singulair, and Zyrtec. (Oh, I'm also pretty much allergic to everything, but that's not really a disease.)
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: think they're okay? I mean, alternative treatment in this case means exercise and restricted diets, which I don't do with regularity because in my case they don't make a difference.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose: Invisible. I mean, I guess visible illnesses are good (... you know what I mean) because other people can understand them easily and give you appropriate support. But most people probably wouldn't guess that I'm a sickly person, and I really like that better.
13. Regarding working and career: Well, I tried to work in an industry that requires the constant maintenance of youth and beauty while fighting a condition that makes you fat, hairy, discolored, and broken-out. So, there's at least one reason that didn't turn out so well.
14. People would be surprised to know: Well, no offense lady, what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Nothing? I mean, at this point it's been over ten years, and I don't really know anything else. Before that I was a child, and that just doesn't count.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: 1. Be off medication and 2. have babies. 1. I can't, and 2. it's never come up.
17. The commercials about my illness There are no commercials about my illness.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Again, I don't really know anything else.
19. It was really hard to give up: Nothing? I mean, I wasn't doing anything that I shouldn't have been doing.
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: ... Every hobby I've taken up since I was 15. ... I think I'm doing this wrong.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Really, I think I'm doing this wrong. My health issues are so intertwined with everything else in my life, I can't really think about them separately.
22. My illness has taught me: You have to be an active advocate for your own health. You must stay on top of it, because you're the only person who can. Do not rely on doctors. The only difference between a doctor and you is information: if you had the information they had, you'd be a doctor. That said: use doctors. If what they're doing isn't making you better, make them change or get someone who will help you. Do not be passive and do not let things go.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is: It's caused by being fat, and if you lose weight, you'll be fine. I get that this is true for a lot of conditions, and frankly sometimes I'm petty about it. I call Type I diabetes "real diabetes" and anytime I hear that someone stopped taking medication after losing weight, my inky heart shrinks a fraction. I've been an healthy and attractive weight, exercised constantly, stuck to a dietitian's plan*, and had optimal levels of all the things medical science worries about**. I was just as sick, just as symptomatic as when I did absolutely nothing. So it goes.
* although there's little about my usual whole-grain organic water-guzzling vegetarian diet you could find fault with. I caught part of this special on television the other day where a woman said she was able to lose weight after she stopped having cookies and soda for breakfast. Christ, I could have spit.
** this is also just generally true. I'm in pretty good shape aside from all the things that are wrong with me.
24. But I love it when people: Are duly impressed at the wealth of things that are wrong with me. Just for a minute. Because, well, yes, it does suck. Thanks for noticing.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Ha! Not to sound like my mother or anything, but other people have it a lot worse. I mean, not that that makes it suck any less, but I don't have something terminal. It's nothing to shake my fist at God over.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: I don't. I like to listen.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It's surprisingly easy. People apparently freak out at the idea of having to take pills forever and seriously you guys, you guys seriously, it's not that big a deal. Honestly, the biggest problem is how much it all costs. Which once again proves that money can buy you happiness because if I had more money it seriously would fix everything.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: I can't think of anything. Please feel free to infer that this says horrible things about my life.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Oh man, I'm totally not involved with anything!
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Suspicious and anxiously secretive.
1. The illnesses I live with are: Polycystic ovarian syndrome, endometriosis, thyroid disease, plus a mess of fun complications.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999, 2007, 2002
3. But I had symptoms since: 1993, 1996, 2002
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: I guess just generally being unwell? I take pills everyday, I see doctors all the time, I get bloodwork and other tests done frequently, I rage about health insurance and doctor incompetence.
5. Most people assume: I don't know if they really assume anything. I mean, unless I say something. A few months ago I mentioned my medication to my niece, and she asked me, "Why are you on medication? You're not crazy." ... It was funny because most people we know are on medication because they're crazy. Although, off medication, people have thought I was crazy, because crashing mood swings are a thing.
6. The hardest part about mornings is: Getting up? I've never been a morning person, though, so I can't say if this is to blame.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery Diagnosis.
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: I don't really have gadgets. My pill carrier is pretty useful, but I can find other ways of toting them around.
9. The hardest part about nights is: Getting off the computer? I don't know, it's not really a day/night sort of deal.
10. Each day I take 8 pills & vitamins. I take Glucophage, Yaz (though I need something else, because it sucks), Magnesium, B6, Levothyroxin, Singulair, and Zyrtec. (Oh, I'm also pretty much allergic to everything, but that's not really a disease.)
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: think they're okay? I mean, alternative treatment in this case means exercise and restricted diets, which I don't do with regularity because in my case they don't make a difference.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose: Invisible. I mean, I guess visible illnesses are good (... you know what I mean) because other people can understand them easily and give you appropriate support. But most people probably wouldn't guess that I'm a sickly person, and I really like that better.
13. Regarding working and career: Well, I tried to work in an industry that requires the constant maintenance of youth and beauty while fighting a condition that makes you fat, hairy, discolored, and broken-out. So, there's at least one reason that didn't turn out so well.
14. People would be surprised to know: Well, no offense lady, what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Nothing? I mean, at this point it's been over ten years, and I don't really know anything else. Before that I was a child, and that just doesn't count.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: 1. Be off medication and 2. have babies. 1. I can't, and 2. it's never come up.
17. The commercials about my illness There are no commercials about my illness.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Again, I don't really know anything else.
19. It was really hard to give up: Nothing? I mean, I wasn't doing anything that I shouldn't have been doing.
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: ... Every hobby I've taken up since I was 15. ... I think I'm doing this wrong.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Really, I think I'm doing this wrong. My health issues are so intertwined with everything else in my life, I can't really think about them separately.
22. My illness has taught me: You have to be an active advocate for your own health. You must stay on top of it, because you're the only person who can. Do not rely on doctors. The only difference between a doctor and you is information: if you had the information they had, you'd be a doctor. That said: use doctors. If what they're doing isn't making you better, make them change or get someone who will help you. Do not be passive and do not let things go.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is: It's caused by being fat, and if you lose weight, you'll be fine. I get that this is true for a lot of conditions, and frankly sometimes I'm petty about it. I call Type I diabetes "real diabetes" and anytime I hear that someone stopped taking medication after losing weight, my inky heart shrinks a fraction. I've been an healthy and attractive weight, exercised constantly, stuck to a dietitian's plan*, and had optimal levels of all the things medical science worries about**. I was just as sick, just as symptomatic as when I did absolutely nothing. So it goes.
* although there's little about my usual whole-grain organic water-guzzling vegetarian diet you could find fault with. I caught part of this special on television the other day where a woman said she was able to lose weight after she stopped having cookies and soda for breakfast. Christ, I could have spit.
** this is also just generally true. I'm in pretty good shape aside from all the things that are wrong with me.
24. But I love it when people: Are duly impressed at the wealth of things that are wrong with me. Just for a minute. Because, well, yes, it does suck. Thanks for noticing.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Ha! Not to sound like my mother or anything, but other people have it a lot worse. I mean, not that that makes it suck any less, but I don't have something terminal. It's nothing to shake my fist at God over.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: I don't. I like to listen.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It's surprisingly easy. People apparently freak out at the idea of having to take pills forever and seriously you guys, you guys seriously, it's not that big a deal. Honestly, the biggest problem is how much it all costs. Which once again proves that money can buy you happiness because if I had more money it seriously would fix everything.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: I can't think of anything. Please feel free to infer that this says horrible things about my life.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Oh man, I'm totally not involved with anything!
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Suspicious and anxiously secretive.
Saturday
Theme days.
Once again, here's a list of things that, while contemporaneous, are not at all related to each other.
People keep asking me to be physically responsible for various minors. And by "keep asking" I mean I've been asked twice. Which is two more times than I've ever previously been asked to do so. Most of my experience is with e-babies. I still assume it's like holding a cat.
I've been watching Disney movies on tape. I have many of those puffy tape cases. Up to Pocahontas. Because shortly after that I declared my moving on from Disney. So far Dumbo is the most surprisingly racist.
Speaking of people with e-children, would any of you like a doll house? I recently rescued one, only mildly abused. It's about yay big, and would come with a doll-sized grand piano with no front legs, and a doll-sized wall portrait of Patrick Stewart.
People keep asking me to be physically responsible for various minors. And by "keep asking" I mean I've been asked twice. Which is two more times than I've ever previously been asked to do so. Most of my experience is with e-babies. I still assume it's like holding a cat.
I've been watching Disney movies on tape. I have many of those puffy tape cases. Up to Pocahontas. Because shortly after that I declared my moving on from Disney. So far Dumbo is the most surprisingly racist.
Speaking of people with e-children, would any of you like a doll house? I recently rescued one, only mildly abused. It's about yay big, and would come with a doll-sized grand piano with no front legs, and a doll-sized wall portrait of Patrick Stewart.
You've made some very compelling points.
Top pro, from the Steph: I would make great Tweets. No one would know what I was talking about. That was the whole appeal, basically.
Top con, from the P@: I hate interacting with other humans! It's rather low on my list of likes, and very high on my list of dislikes.
So, percentage wise, how much do you predict my hypothetical Twittering could involve:
- Me entertaining myself (and perhaps, as a bonus, others) by shouting into the void
- Me actually talking to, interacting with, and, god forbid, meeting new others?
This is like part two of the Twitter Interview. The Twitter Callback. It's between Twitter and one other candidate. (The other candidate is "No Twitter".)
Also, as if this entry weren't already ridiculous enough: According to GoodReads, my post tag is literally actually true.
Top con, from the P@: I hate interacting with other humans! It's rather low on my list of likes, and very high on my list of dislikes.
So, percentage wise, how much do you predict my hypothetical Twittering could involve:
- Me entertaining myself (and perhaps, as a bonus, others) by shouting into the void
- Me actually talking to, interacting with, and, god forbid, meeting new others?
This is like part two of the Twitter Interview. The Twitter Callback. It's between Twitter and one other candidate. (The other candidate is "No Twitter".)
Also, as if this entry weren't already ridiculous enough: According to GoodReads, my post tag is literally actually true.
Thursday
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