Yesterday, my niece asked me: "So, um, do you like ... Twilight, and stuff?"
My reaction in full:
[I read the newspaper.]
[I look up from the newspaper.]
[beat]
"No."
[I read the newspaper.]
She does, she says. And on the inside I wept and rent my garments. But on the plus side, she doesn't actually seem to know that much about it. She's Team Jacob, she tells me, and seems mostly interested in Taylor Lautner's bazillion abdominal muscles. Also, she heard Edward dies or something. Oh honey. If only.
So today my sister is taking her to see New Moon. "I can't help it. I love this Twilight shit," she told me a few weeks ago. (We were in a supermarket, and she expressed concern at a tabloid headline suggesting the terrible breakup of KStew and RPattz. "Oh that's sad! They were dating?" "[beat.] No." The level of knowledge I have about these thing is truly unGodly and is impairing my social functioning.) I was not surprised because, frankly, I expect this sort of poor judgment from her. Whenever there's a desperately painful-looking comedy out on the market (like, say, that new one with Robin Williams and John Travolta), she deems that it "looks pretty funny!" I don't ... please. Anyway.
On another hand, my mother was the one to tell me about this outing. She said they were going to see "that 'Dark Moon' or whatever the hell it is." My mom =/= a Twimom. <3<3<3<3<3<3
Friday
Thursday
In a related story: Goddamnit, Michael Sheen.
Michael Sheen, what were you thinking? You are an excellent actor. You were going to be set playing any and every English person of note that you even vaguely look like. You were even in all three Underworld movies and still managed to hang on to your good will.
But frankly, sir, your career deserves what it gets.
And I see you in the back, there, Grindelwald. You're young, and you're pretty, but don't think you have an excuse.
PS ... lol.
But frankly, sir, your career deserves what it gets.
And I see you in the back, there, Grindelwald. You're young, and you're pretty, but don't think you have an excuse.
PS ... lol.
Tuesday
Friday
Nostalgia is stupid.
So, yesterday I discovered that Rainbow Brite is getting a makeover. Today I saw the story picked up by a couple other places.
Oh, God, I didn't even know about the Care Bears. No one give me details.
Of course my primary reaction is "kill it with fire," but I keep being distracted by what I'm seeing in the comments. No, I don't know why I'm reading the comments. They must contain tar and nicotine. To wit: "What's next, Jem??" and "They better leave Jem alone!!!"
Really, internet? Really? A few things.
1. You meant: They better leave Pizzazz alone. I've always been a Misfits girl. (Don't pretend to be surprised.)
2. Where was your rage over that singer chick from five years ago? I was alone then.
and
3. Jem is already trampy. That's, like, the point of Jem. Whose virtue will you protect next, She-Ra? Who fights the Horde in a lamé bathing suit?
Oh, God, I didn't even know about the Care Bears. No one give me details.
Of course my primary reaction is "kill it with fire," but I keep being distracted by what I'm seeing in the comments. No, I don't know why I'm reading the comments. They must contain tar and nicotine. To wit: "What's next, Jem??" and "They better leave Jem alone!!!"
Really, internet? Really? A few things.
1. You meant: They better leave Pizzazz alone. I've always been a Misfits girl. (Don't pretend to be surprised.)
2. Where was your rage over that singer chick from five years ago? I was alone then.
and
3. Jem is already trampy. That's, like, the point of Jem. Whose virtue will you protect next, She-Ra? Who fights the Horde in a lamé bathing suit?
Saturday
I am not touched by your effusive sympathy!!!!
Guys, you know what's little and has fangs? ... Besides tiny vampires?
SPIDERS, PEOPLE. SPIDERS.
To be fair, I don't know if it was actually a spider. I'm just assuming it was because of, you know, logic. Mainly the preponderance of spiders in my house, and the lack of anything else that would do such a thing. And my having engaged in certain activities wherein I disturbed things in which spiders might live and then put my loungin' pants atop those things. And, you know, just in general. Although I must state that, while I remember feeling a pinch, it wasn't terrible enough that I thought that it was something that needed to be checked.
I was waiting to freak out because I naturally assumed that all my flesh was going to fall off and then I'd die. But it's now been over 48 hours, and it seems to be okay. It's not swollen, it's less red, the stab wounds scabbed, and it doesn't even itch. -- Which is completely suspicious if you ask me. Of course, it's possible that it was a dry bite. That happens, I'm told.
Either that or this was only a first exposure, and the inevitable next time I will go into anaphylaxis and die.
NOW COMFORT ME DAMMIT.
SPIDERS, PEOPLE. SPIDERS.
To be fair, I don't know if it was actually a spider. I'm just assuming it was because of, you know, logic. Mainly the preponderance of spiders in my house, and the lack of anything else that would do such a thing. And my having engaged in certain activities wherein I disturbed things in which spiders might live and then put my loungin' pants atop those things. And, you know, just in general. Although I must state that, while I remember feeling a pinch, it wasn't terrible enough that I thought that it was something that needed to be checked.
I was waiting to freak out because I naturally assumed that all my flesh was going to fall off and then I'd die. But it's now been over 48 hours, and it seems to be okay. It's not swollen, it's less red, the stab wounds scabbed, and it doesn't even itch. -- Which is completely suspicious if you ask me. Of course, it's possible that it was a dry bite. That happens, I'm told.
Either that or this was only a first exposure, and the inevitable next time I will go into anaphylaxis and die.
NOW COMFORT ME DAMMIT.
Thursday
I'm not knocked up.
I just wanted to say that first, because I'm about to post a side-view of my abdomen, and I didn't want anyone to be confused. ... But then I cropped it anyway, so you can't really tell what part of my body this is. ... But just sayin', it's a side-view of my abdomen. My fragile, squishy abdomen, where any number of things go wrong on a daily basis. ... Just sayin'.
Feel free to zoom!
Friends. Citizens. What does this look like to you? DON'T SPARE MY FEELINGS.
I'm trying to save my freaking out until it's absolutely necessary. But I am not happy.
Feel free to zoom!
Friends. Citizens. What does this look like to you? DON'T SPARE MY FEELINGS.
I'm trying to save my freaking out until it's absolutely necessary. But I am not happy.
Wednesday
Oh God, are you still seeing that terrible story?
I did attempt to update a couple times, but then I got bored or petulant or some other emotion that made me not want to do it. So you missed out on me talking about: knitting; dreams; computer programs. Please ... do not weep.
So, anyway, who's good at Excel and is willing to give me pointers? Apparently I've never had cause to use spreadsheets before. I know, right? So now here we are.
So, anyway, who's good at Excel and is willing to give me pointers? Apparently I've never had cause to use spreadsheets before. I know, right? So now here we are.
HORROR MOVIE IN REAL LIFE.
Today I drove my car to market. Actually, first I drove it to the McDonald's to pick up the giant sweet tea that I often get to reward myself for leaving the house when I don't strictly have to. My life is soberingly predictable most of the time.
So, this is the scene: I am in my car. I am driving down a largish street. It is at this time that I notice something crawling up the frame of my driver's side window. It is a spider. It is inside. And of course it's not just any spider, either! It's one of those ulcerating necrotized bite wound spiders! OF COURSE IT IS! Those things fucking love me!! So as I'm cruising along at around 40 mph, in moderate traffic, I lower my window in the hopes that it will simply slip outside. And then maybe I could crush it squishily by rolling up the window real fast again, or maybe it would just be violently ripped from the window by the outside air flow. I wasn't picky.
BUT IT WAS ON TO ME.
Instead of going out the window, it decided to head for the roof of the car, slipping with sickening awkwardness as it ran along the vinylene or whatever the roof is made of. For the aid of your visualization, I will point out that the part of the roof adjacent to the window is directly over my head. It was one good jostle away from falling in my hair or onto my eyeball or whatever biteable part of me physics would get it to.
It was at this point that I was able to turn onto a small side street, so there were only about 30 seconds in which I might have crashed due to spider terror. So I stopped, turned on the very apt hazard lights, and proceeded to crawl backwards over the seat divider, not taking my eyes of it for a moment. God it was so hideous. Then I got out.
At some point my eyes looked away, and when they looked back it had, naturally, disappeared. Which meant I was going to have to hunt it and kill it or else I would never get home. The street I was stopped on was GREGORY TERR, which was almost prescient. I was a teardrop away from calling my father and telling him I couldn't get back in my car. BUT MY PHONE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SPIDER TERRITORY.
Also, it was hot. Hotter than it's been in recent days, and I was wearing long pants and sleeves. I guess at the weather, usually. The radio was still on, and I was listening to the station that I like most of the time. Only now, they had on the DJ that I hate -- he wasn't even supposed to be on yet! -- and they were playing a long block of Bruce Springsteen because apparently, if you're into this, today is his birthday. HE WOULD. (I don't really dislike The Boss all this much, but this was no time for nuance.) And, I mean, have I mentioned about the venomous spider roaming freely in the mystery places of my car? It was, and really, I want to stress this: IT WAS NOT OKAY.
But let's cut to the heroic battle already: I eventually located it, constructing what appeared to be a lair, in the space between the driver's seat and the arm rest. I shuddered for ages. I knocked at things and it fell to the floor. I grabbed my ice scraper like a cudgel. After a few tricky plays, I was finally able to squish it like few invertebrates have been squished before.
Later, after I had made it to the mart, I felt the sudden urge to fall asleep on my feet. That's adrenaline for you. Then I discovered that they were out of that microwavable Pad Thai that I like, so that's why I'm now sitting here eating Lucky Charms. My diet is amazing.
So, this is the scene: I am in my car. I am driving down a largish street. It is at this time that I notice something crawling up the frame of my driver's side window. It is a spider. It is inside. And of course it's not just any spider, either! It's one of those ulcerating necrotized bite wound spiders! OF COURSE IT IS! Those things fucking love me!! So as I'm cruising along at around 40 mph, in moderate traffic, I lower my window in the hopes that it will simply slip outside. And then maybe I could crush it squishily by rolling up the window real fast again, or maybe it would just be violently ripped from the window by the outside air flow. I wasn't picky.
BUT IT WAS ON TO ME.
Instead of going out the window, it decided to head for the roof of the car, slipping with sickening awkwardness as it ran along the vinylene or whatever the roof is made of. For the aid of your visualization, I will point out that the part of the roof adjacent to the window is directly over my head. It was one good jostle away from falling in my hair or onto my eyeball or whatever biteable part of me physics would get it to.
It was at this point that I was able to turn onto a small side street, so there were only about 30 seconds in which I might have crashed due to spider terror. So I stopped, turned on the very apt hazard lights, and proceeded to crawl backwards over the seat divider, not taking my eyes of it for a moment. God it was so hideous. Then I got out.
At some point my eyes looked away, and when they looked back it had, naturally, disappeared. Which meant I was going to have to hunt it and kill it or else I would never get home. The street I was stopped on was GREGORY TERR, which was almost prescient. I was a teardrop away from calling my father and telling him I couldn't get back in my car. BUT MY PHONE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SPIDER TERRITORY.
Also, it was hot. Hotter than it's been in recent days, and I was wearing long pants and sleeves. I guess at the weather, usually. The radio was still on, and I was listening to the station that I like most of the time. Only now, they had on the DJ that I hate -- he wasn't even supposed to be on yet! -- and they were playing a long block of Bruce Springsteen because apparently, if you're into this, today is his birthday. HE WOULD. (I don't really dislike The Boss all this much, but this was no time for nuance.) And, I mean, have I mentioned about the venomous spider roaming freely in the mystery places of my car? It was, and really, I want to stress this: IT WAS NOT OKAY.
But let's cut to the heroic battle already: I eventually located it, constructing what appeared to be a lair, in the space between the driver's seat and the arm rest. I shuddered for ages. I knocked at things and it fell to the floor. I grabbed my ice scraper like a cudgel. After a few tricky plays, I was finally able to squish it like few invertebrates have been squished before.
Later, after I had made it to the mart, I felt the sudden urge to fall asleep on my feet. That's adrenaline for you. Then I discovered that they were out of that microwavable Pad Thai that I like, so that's why I'm now sitting here eating Lucky Charms. My diet is amazing.
Tuesday
Let's talk about how I'm sick.
Meme via Valerie.
1. The illnesses I live with are: Polycystic ovarian syndrome, endometriosis, thyroid disease, plus a mess of fun complications.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999, 2007, 2002
3. But I had symptoms since: 1993, 1996, 2002
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: I guess just generally being unwell? I take pills everyday, I see doctors all the time, I get bloodwork and other tests done frequently, I rage about health insurance and doctor incompetence.
5. Most people assume: I don't know if they really assume anything. I mean, unless I say something. A few months ago I mentioned my medication to my niece, and she asked me, "Why are you on medication? You're not crazy." ... It was funny because most people we know are on medication because they're crazy. Although, off medication, people have thought I was crazy, because crashing mood swings are a thing.
6. The hardest part about mornings is: Getting up? I've never been a morning person, though, so I can't say if this is to blame.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery Diagnosis.
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: I don't really have gadgets. My pill carrier is pretty useful, but I can find other ways of toting them around.
9. The hardest part about nights is: Getting off the computer? I don't know, it's not really a day/night sort of deal.
10. Each day I take 8 pills & vitamins. I take Glucophage, Yaz (though I need something else, because it sucks), Magnesium, B6, Levothyroxin, Singulair, and Zyrtec. (Oh, I'm also pretty much allergic to everything, but that's not really a disease.)
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: think they're okay? I mean, alternative treatment in this case means exercise and restricted diets, which I don't do with regularity because in my case they don't make a difference.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose: Invisible. I mean, I guess visible illnesses are good (... you know what I mean) because other people can understand them easily and give you appropriate support. But most people probably wouldn't guess that I'm a sickly person, and I really like that better.
13. Regarding working and career: Well, I tried to work in an industry that requires the constant maintenance of youth and beauty while fighting a condition that makes you fat, hairy, discolored, and broken-out. So, there's at least one reason that didn't turn out so well.
14. People would be surprised to know: Well, no offense lady, what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Nothing? I mean, at this point it's been over ten years, and I don't really know anything else. Before that I was a child, and that just doesn't count.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: 1. Be off medication and 2. have babies. 1. I can't, and 2. it's never come up.
17. The commercials about my illness There are no commercials about my illness.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Again, I don't really know anything else.
19. It was really hard to give up: Nothing? I mean, I wasn't doing anything that I shouldn't have been doing.
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: ... Every hobby I've taken up since I was 15. ... I think I'm doing this wrong.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Really, I think I'm doing this wrong. My health issues are so intertwined with everything else in my life, I can't really think about them separately.
22. My illness has taught me: You have to be an active advocate for your own health. You must stay on top of it, because you're the only person who can. Do not rely on doctors. The only difference between a doctor and you is information: if you had the information they had, you'd be a doctor. That said: use doctors. If what they're doing isn't making you better, make them change or get someone who will help you. Do not be passive and do not let things go.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is: It's caused by being fat, and if you lose weight, you'll be fine. I get that this is true for a lot of conditions, and frankly sometimes I'm petty about it. I call Type I diabetes "real diabetes" and anytime I hear that someone stopped taking medication after losing weight, my inky heart shrinks a fraction. I've been an healthy and attractive weight, exercised constantly, stuck to a dietitian's plan*, and had optimal levels of all the things medical science worries about**. I was just as sick, just as symptomatic as when I did absolutely nothing. So it goes.
* although there's little about my usual whole-grain organic water-guzzling vegetarian diet you could find fault with. I caught part of this special on television the other day where a woman said she was able to lose weight after she stopped having cookies and soda for breakfast. Christ, I could have spit.
** this is also just generally true. I'm in pretty good shape aside from all the things that are wrong with me.
24. But I love it when people: Are duly impressed at the wealth of things that are wrong with me. Just for a minute. Because, well, yes, it does suck. Thanks for noticing.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Ha! Not to sound like my mother or anything, but other people have it a lot worse. I mean, not that that makes it suck any less, but I don't have something terminal. It's nothing to shake my fist at God over.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: I don't. I like to listen.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It's surprisingly easy. People apparently freak out at the idea of having to take pills forever and seriously you guys, you guys seriously, it's not that big a deal. Honestly, the biggest problem is how much it all costs. Which once again proves that money can buy you happiness because if I had more money it seriously would fix everything.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: I can't think of anything. Please feel free to infer that this says horrible things about my life.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Oh man, I'm totally not involved with anything!
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Suspicious and anxiously secretive.
1. The illnesses I live with are: Polycystic ovarian syndrome, endometriosis, thyroid disease, plus a mess of fun complications.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999, 2007, 2002
3. But I had symptoms since: 1993, 1996, 2002
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: I guess just generally being unwell? I take pills everyday, I see doctors all the time, I get bloodwork and other tests done frequently, I rage about health insurance and doctor incompetence.
5. Most people assume: I don't know if they really assume anything. I mean, unless I say something. A few months ago I mentioned my medication to my niece, and she asked me, "Why are you on medication? You're not crazy." ... It was funny because most people we know are on medication because they're crazy. Although, off medication, people have thought I was crazy, because crashing mood swings are a thing.
6. The hardest part about mornings is: Getting up? I've never been a morning person, though, so I can't say if this is to blame.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery Diagnosis.
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: I don't really have gadgets. My pill carrier is pretty useful, but I can find other ways of toting them around.
9. The hardest part about nights is: Getting off the computer? I don't know, it's not really a day/night sort of deal.
10. Each day I take 8 pills & vitamins. I take Glucophage, Yaz (though I need something else, because it sucks), Magnesium, B6, Levothyroxin, Singulair, and Zyrtec. (Oh, I'm also pretty much allergic to everything, but that's not really a disease.)
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: think they're okay? I mean, alternative treatment in this case means exercise and restricted diets, which I don't do with regularity because in my case they don't make a difference.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose: Invisible. I mean, I guess visible illnesses are good (... you know what I mean) because other people can understand them easily and give you appropriate support. But most people probably wouldn't guess that I'm a sickly person, and I really like that better.
13. Regarding working and career: Well, I tried to work in an industry that requires the constant maintenance of youth and beauty while fighting a condition that makes you fat, hairy, discolored, and broken-out. So, there's at least one reason that didn't turn out so well.
14. People would be surprised to know: Well, no offense lady, what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Nothing? I mean, at this point it's been over ten years, and I don't really know anything else. Before that I was a child, and that just doesn't count.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: 1. Be off medication and 2. have babies. 1. I can't, and 2. it's never come up.
17. The commercials about my illness There are no commercials about my illness.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Again, I don't really know anything else.
19. It was really hard to give up: Nothing? I mean, I wasn't doing anything that I shouldn't have been doing.
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: ... Every hobby I've taken up since I was 15. ... I think I'm doing this wrong.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Really, I think I'm doing this wrong. My health issues are so intertwined with everything else in my life, I can't really think about them separately.
22. My illness has taught me: You have to be an active advocate for your own health. You must stay on top of it, because you're the only person who can. Do not rely on doctors. The only difference between a doctor and you is information: if you had the information they had, you'd be a doctor. That said: use doctors. If what they're doing isn't making you better, make them change or get someone who will help you. Do not be passive and do not let things go.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is: It's caused by being fat, and if you lose weight, you'll be fine. I get that this is true for a lot of conditions, and frankly sometimes I'm petty about it. I call Type I diabetes "real diabetes" and anytime I hear that someone stopped taking medication after losing weight, my inky heart shrinks a fraction. I've been an healthy and attractive weight, exercised constantly, stuck to a dietitian's plan*, and had optimal levels of all the things medical science worries about**. I was just as sick, just as symptomatic as when I did absolutely nothing. So it goes.
* although there's little about my usual whole-grain organic water-guzzling vegetarian diet you could find fault with. I caught part of this special on television the other day where a woman said she was able to lose weight after she stopped having cookies and soda for breakfast. Christ, I could have spit.
** this is also just generally true. I'm in pretty good shape aside from all the things that are wrong with me.
24. But I love it when people: Are duly impressed at the wealth of things that are wrong with me. Just for a minute. Because, well, yes, it does suck. Thanks for noticing.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Ha! Not to sound like my mother or anything, but other people have it a lot worse. I mean, not that that makes it suck any less, but I don't have something terminal. It's nothing to shake my fist at God over.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: I don't. I like to listen.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It's surprisingly easy. People apparently freak out at the idea of having to take pills forever and seriously you guys, you guys seriously, it's not that big a deal. Honestly, the biggest problem is how much it all costs. Which once again proves that money can buy you happiness because if I had more money it seriously would fix everything.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: I can't think of anything. Please feel free to infer that this says horrible things about my life.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Oh man, I'm totally not involved with anything!
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Suspicious and anxiously secretive.
Saturday
Theme days.
Once again, here's a list of things that, while contemporaneous, are not at all related to each other.
People keep asking me to be physically responsible for various minors. And by "keep asking" I mean I've been asked twice. Which is two more times than I've ever previously been asked to do so. Most of my experience is with e-babies. I still assume it's like holding a cat.
I've been watching Disney movies on tape. I have many of those puffy tape cases. Up to Pocahontas. Because shortly after that I declared my moving on from Disney. So far Dumbo is the most surprisingly racist.
Speaking of people with e-children, would any of you like a doll house? I recently rescued one, only mildly abused. It's about yay big, and would come with a doll-sized grand piano with no front legs, and a doll-sized wall portrait of Patrick Stewart.
People keep asking me to be physically responsible for various minors. And by "keep asking" I mean I've been asked twice. Which is two more times than I've ever previously been asked to do so. Most of my experience is with e-babies. I still assume it's like holding a cat.
I've been watching Disney movies on tape. I have many of those puffy tape cases. Up to Pocahontas. Because shortly after that I declared my moving on from Disney. So far Dumbo is the most surprisingly racist.
Speaking of people with e-children, would any of you like a doll house? I recently rescued one, only mildly abused. It's about yay big, and would come with a doll-sized grand piano with no front legs, and a doll-sized wall portrait of Patrick Stewart.
You've made some very compelling points.
Top pro, from the Steph: I would make great Tweets. No one would know what I was talking about. That was the whole appeal, basically.
Top con, from the P@: I hate interacting with other humans! It's rather low on my list of likes, and very high on my list of dislikes.
So, percentage wise, how much do you predict my hypothetical Twittering could involve:
- Me entertaining myself (and perhaps, as a bonus, others) by shouting into the void
- Me actually talking to, interacting with, and, god forbid, meeting new others?
This is like part two of the Twitter Interview. The Twitter Callback. It's between Twitter and one other candidate. (The other candidate is "No Twitter".)
Also, as if this entry weren't already ridiculous enough: According to GoodReads, my post tag is literally actually true.
Top con, from the P@: I hate interacting with other humans! It's rather low on my list of likes, and very high on my list of dislikes.
So, percentage wise, how much do you predict my hypothetical Twittering could involve:
- Me entertaining myself (and perhaps, as a bonus, others) by shouting into the void
- Me actually talking to, interacting with, and, god forbid, meeting new others?
This is like part two of the Twitter Interview. The Twitter Callback. It's between Twitter and one other candidate. (The other candidate is "No Twitter".)
Also, as if this entry weren't already ridiculous enough: According to GoodReads, my post tag is literally actually true.
Thursday
Sunday
Speaking of New Jersey!
You should totally come live with me!
By "with" I mean "near"! And by "you" I mean ... well, you know which ones you are. The house up the block is for sale. It has hardwood floors, a second-floor patio, no space for multiple children, and only costs a cool half-mil! Which we've all got sitting around, right fellows? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.
I also have it on good authority that that the house next door to it will also be sold soon. It shouldn't be as expensive. Probably. I mean, it's, like, half the size.
And this is more or less while I will likely never be able to support myself and live like an adult.
PS. The taxes are GODDAMN RIDICULOUS! Act now!
By "with" I mean "near"! And by "you" I mean ... well, you know which ones you are. The house up the block is for sale. It has hardwood floors, a second-floor patio, no space for multiple children, and only costs a cool half-mil! Which we've all got sitting around, right fellows? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.
I also have it on good authority that that the house next door to it will also be sold soon. It shouldn't be as expensive. Probably. I mean, it's, like, half the size.
And this is more or less while I will likely never be able to support myself and live like an adult.
PS. The taxes are GODDAMN RIDICULOUS! Act now!
Monday
Not on the docket:
Hangin' with Moammar Gadhafi.
You may or may not have heard about how the Leader and Guide of the Revolution is coming to speak at the UN, and about how he wanted to camp out in a tent in Central Park, and how the City of New York was like, "lol no." And then you may have heard about how he decided to do what countless others before him have had to do: settle for Jersey.
Any not just any place in Jersey! A place in Jersey where I just happen to be a significant amount of the time! I'm sure it's popped up on Pat's IP locator, even though at the time I probably wasn't anywhere near there. I totally could have gotten a picture of his tent with my cell phone camera, you guys.
And, you may be thinking, "Amy, why would you want to?" But the real question is: why wouldn't I? You see my point.
But then the town in question was also like, "lol no." Such is life.
You may or may not have heard about how the Leader and Guide of the Revolution is coming to speak at the UN, and about how he wanted to camp out in a tent in Central Park, and how the City of New York was like, "lol no." And then you may have heard about how he decided to do what countless others before him have had to do: settle for Jersey.
Any not just any place in Jersey! A place in Jersey where I just happen to be a significant amount of the time! I'm sure it's popped up on Pat's IP locator, even though at the time I probably wasn't anywhere near there. I totally could have gotten a picture of his tent with my cell phone camera, you guys.
And, you may be thinking, "Amy, why would you want to?" But the real question is: why wouldn't I? You see my point.
But then the town in question was also like, "lol no." Such is life.
In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts, thank you.
Wednesday
Full day.
Yesterday I:
- Learned of my cousin's engagement. (It was also her birthday. And the first I've heard from her in months.)
- Had a panic attack.
- Called 911.
- Got a new phone.
In list form, it totally sounds like these things might be related, but they weren't! They were all completely independent of each other, cause-wise. Oh, and everyone's fine. Well. Not the guy in that car, probably.
For your time: http://seemikedraw.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/twilight2.gif
- Learned of my cousin's engagement. (It was also her birthday. And the first I've heard from her in months.)
- Had a panic attack.
- Called 911.
- Got a new phone.
In list form, it totally sounds like these things might be related, but they weren't! They were all completely independent of each other, cause-wise. Oh, and everyone's fine. Well. Not the guy in that car, probably.
For your time: http://seemikedraw.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/twilight2.gif
Thursday
Incidentally, I have curly hair.
Sometimes I forget, because I blow dry it straight. I did so this morning, but then it rained for 11 years and the power went out.
... Actually, those things are only speciously related. This has been happening every day, because I don't have air conditioning. But still, true story!
Aren't you glad you read this post?
... Actually, those things are only speciously related. This has been happening every day, because I don't have air conditioning. But still, true story!
Aren't you glad you read this post?
Tuesday
I'm preparing to be furious!
Apparently they are making a new movie version of "The Lorax". The Lorax, in case I haven't mentioned it, is one of my most favorite things in life.
I hope they don't ruin it the way that absolutely every other Dr. Seuss movie in recent years has been utterly ruined!
I hope they don't ruin it the way that absolutely every other Dr. Seuss movie in recent years has been utterly ruined!
Friday
Sometimes, I'm kind of a dick.
1. I just used ablative absolute in an official correspondence. Heeeeeee!!!
2. Also I ate all your cookies. Sorry. It somehow escaped my attention that people really like cookies, and will want them when you offer them. On the other hand, though, it turns out I still need to work on my ratio of flours, so.
2. Also I ate all your cookies. Sorry. It somehow escaped my attention that people really like cookies, and will want them when you offer them. On the other hand, though, it turns out I still need to work on my ratio of flours, so.
Wednesday
Congratulations, Chamber of Secrets!
You are no longer the most boring Harry Potter movie!
[Begin Spoiler for HBP Review, in which I say "UGH" a lot. ... Metaphorically. — Highlight to view]
If you haven't seen it yet, maybe you shouldn't read this. I mean, I don't know. I don't want to ruin things for you. I've seen a lot of very positive reviews, and much internet chatter saying that this was "ZOMG Best One Ever!!!" and, frankly, you may agree. I don't want to take the possibility that you may agree away from you. But me, I'm profoundly disappointed right now.
The profundity of my disappointment is due, in main, to the fact that this is the first time it's happened. This is the first time I've sat in a theater, watched a Potter film, and as the credits began to roll thought: "I didn't like it. It wasn't good. I am disappointed." And in fact, it started before that. At some point I started to fretfully realize that the film wasn't going well. I had the horrible suspicion that it wasn't good, and I wasn't going to walk away liking it. I tried to shove that feeling down, but it would not be denied.
And just so we're clear - I'm not talking about things cut or things changed. I do not care. Frankly, I think they could have cut more than they did. If I've said it once, I've said it (and you've read it) a thousand times: I am not a book adaptation purist. In fact, and this may be the linguist in me, I sort of love seeing the changes and the omissions - the translation of the story from book to screen. Book and screen are two languages I'm fluent in, so this is a thrill I can't as yet receive from actual languages. As a stand-alone entity, the movie is mediocre. As a translated retelling of the book, it's mediocre.
That's the thing - it's not flat out bad. And, of course, being Potter, there were parts of it that I liked and enjoyed seeing brought to life, and I'll probably talk about those further on if this doesn't get tediously long before then. But the whole of it did not hang. Altogether, it was dull and lackluster and boring. Even the explosions felt muted and clinical; how the fuck do you make SHIT BLOWS UP into something boring? I'm not sure, but this film managed it.
The problem is, I suspect, two-fold: lazy screenwriting and ineffective directing. Let's start with the first. HBP is rather plot-lite. I mean, in terms of the overall fight of good vs. evil. The book makes up for with a lot of (sometimes awkward) color. I think this is why I can't decide where HBP falls in my book rankings. I love it, but it's ultimately filler. The script takes two plotlines: the learn-about-Voldemort plot and the teen-romance plot, and half-asses both of them. The memory scenes felt like filler, but then so did all the other scenes. Which one is the A-plot?
Then, there's the criminal misuse of Alan Rickman. At the end, where he reveals himself to be the Half-Blood Prince, my eyes rolled of their own accord, and I had to suppress a WHO CARES. Because, honestly, who gives a shit at that point? The whole thing is a side-note, there's no suspense regarding the Prince's identity, and it adds nothing to the story. If it weren't the title of the goddamn movie (which should have been a hint), they would have been better off cutting it entirely. Finally, it was a stupid coda to a scene that was already robbed of most of its emotional resonance.
I'm going to slip in here that the best performance of the film was given by Tom Felton, hands down. I don't think that he, personally, could have done anything more to make his part awesome. But his part, too, was ineptly pared down. From what I can tell onscreen, things seem to be going pretty well and then after a small setback suddenly Draco's sobbing in a bathroom. It makes his emotional turmoil at the end feel shallow and not fully convincing. If not for the aforementioned skill of Mr. Felton, I probably wouldn't have cared at all.
And here's the thing: WHO CARES? Well, I do. Or did, anyway. I cared walking into the theater. I've been caring for over a year waiting for this movie to come out. Hell, I've been caring for half my life at this point. If they couldn't keep my sympathies, they did something wrong.
Now I'm going to talk about directing. And I'm going to talk about directing with the authority that I've actually directed stuff, and because this is my blog and you love me you'll refrain from pointing out that I've never directed anything on film and therefore sound like a jerk. Good deal? Alright. So, I've decided that I don't think David Yates is a good director. This makes me sad because I would really like it to be otherwise. And ... I don't know. I'm not saying he's Chris Columbus by any means. He's not bad like that. But I feel he may be out of his league trying to direct something on this large a scale. I was hoping that all he needed was a chance to find his footing, but this film took all the things that didn't work in Order of the Phoenix and magnified them, which means all that's happening is he's just getting more confident with his mistakes.
If you watch any interviews with David Yates, you'll find that he's very unassuming and soft-spoken. I feel like he projects that personality onto his work. There were literally times when I was struggling to hear the dialogue. And his big thing seems to be reining the actors in - pushing for more subtlety. And I'm all for that! I enjoy subtlety in acting! But when subdued acting is your raw material, you need to do more to bring the audience into it. The transitions here are dead. The pacing is terrible. The beats are stilted and awkward. Like with OOTP, I found that I liked scenes individually, but it was a pain and a half getting "into" them. And GOOD GOD save me from David Yates and his wide shots. I'm serious. I get what he's going for, I think. Putting the audience at a distance from the characters makes the characters seem more intimate with each other. But it doesn't make the audience intimate with the characters. Sometimes we need to get right up in their business to remember why we like them. And always, techniques in moderation, please.
Also, for all the "humor" supposedly in this film - no one laughed. Like, ever. At one point I remember finding something funny and wanting to laugh, but feeling stifled by the fact that no one else was laughing. Frankly, Daniel Radcliffe does comedy really well. Harry on Felix Felicis was hilarious. And yet, awkward. Again, the beats. Jokes were over and gone before people realized they'd been made. David Yates may know how to get good performances out of actors, and I'll admit I think he does, but he has no idea how to craft a scene.
The cinematography, on the other hand, was gorgeous. This is probably one of the prettiest films I've seen in some time. But it wasn't put to good use either. It was like a mirror: shiny, cold, flat, and with no life other than what you project onto it.
Also, just throwing this out there: the score didn't match up with the action. I don't know whose fault that was.
I will have to admit, though, that the Inferi scene was bad-ass. I jumped, even though I saw it coming. I was nearly on the edge of my seat, but at that point, I was already suffering from numb disappointment, so it was hard to really live in the moment.
Dumbledore's death scene was well done, but felt somewhat inorganic and emotionally manipulative after the flatness of everything that preceded it. Oh, hands raised in solidarity! Lights in the sky! Haunting music! Again: WHO CARES.
And what in the Christing Christ was that line about Harry having never noticed how beautiful Hogwarts was? Aside from perhaps the Burrow, Hogwarts is the only beautiful place Harry has ever seen. FAIL, Kloves.
[End Spoiler]
I guess I'm done for now. I feel rather incredibly down. So, I'm going to go make what may be the best cookies known to man. If you read all this, and especially if you reply, please let me know if you would like me to send you one.
[Begin Spoiler for HBP Review, in which I say "UGH" a lot. ... Metaphorically. — Highlight to view]
If you haven't seen it yet, maybe you shouldn't read this. I mean, I don't know. I don't want to ruin things for you. I've seen a lot of very positive reviews, and much internet chatter saying that this was "ZOMG Best One Ever!!!" and, frankly, you may agree. I don't want to take the possibility that you may agree away from you. But me, I'm profoundly disappointed right now.
The profundity of my disappointment is due, in main, to the fact that this is the first time it's happened. This is the first time I've sat in a theater, watched a Potter film, and as the credits began to roll thought: "I didn't like it. It wasn't good. I am disappointed." And in fact, it started before that. At some point I started to fretfully realize that the film wasn't going well. I had the horrible suspicion that it wasn't good, and I wasn't going to walk away liking it. I tried to shove that feeling down, but it would not be denied.
And just so we're clear - I'm not talking about things cut or things changed. I do not care. Frankly, I think they could have cut more than they did. If I've said it once, I've said it (and you've read it) a thousand times: I am not a book adaptation purist. In fact, and this may be the linguist in me, I sort of love seeing the changes and the omissions - the translation of the story from book to screen. Book and screen are two languages I'm fluent in, so this is a thrill I can't as yet receive from actual languages. As a stand-alone entity, the movie is mediocre. As a translated retelling of the book, it's mediocre.
That's the thing - it's not flat out bad. And, of course, being Potter, there were parts of it that I liked and enjoyed seeing brought to life, and I'll probably talk about those further on if this doesn't get tediously long before then. But the whole of it did not hang. Altogether, it was dull and lackluster and boring. Even the explosions felt muted and clinical; how the fuck do you make SHIT BLOWS UP into something boring? I'm not sure, but this film managed it.
The problem is, I suspect, two-fold: lazy screenwriting and ineffective directing. Let's start with the first. HBP is rather plot-lite. I mean, in terms of the overall fight of good vs. evil. The book makes up for with a lot of (sometimes awkward) color. I think this is why I can't decide where HBP falls in my book rankings. I love it, but it's ultimately filler. The script takes two plotlines: the learn-about-Voldemort plot and the teen-romance plot, and half-asses both of them. The memory scenes felt like filler, but then so did all the other scenes. Which one is the A-plot?
Then, there's the criminal misuse of Alan Rickman. At the end, where he reveals himself to be the Half-Blood Prince, my eyes rolled of their own accord, and I had to suppress a WHO CARES. Because, honestly, who gives a shit at that point? The whole thing is a side-note, there's no suspense regarding the Prince's identity, and it adds nothing to the story. If it weren't the title of the goddamn movie (which should have been a hint), they would have been better off cutting it entirely. Finally, it was a stupid coda to a scene that was already robbed of most of its emotional resonance.
I'm going to slip in here that the best performance of the film was given by Tom Felton, hands down. I don't think that he, personally, could have done anything more to make his part awesome. But his part, too, was ineptly pared down. From what I can tell onscreen, things seem to be going pretty well and then after a small setback suddenly Draco's sobbing in a bathroom. It makes his emotional turmoil at the end feel shallow and not fully convincing. If not for the aforementioned skill of Mr. Felton, I probably wouldn't have cared at all.
And here's the thing: WHO CARES? Well, I do. Or did, anyway. I cared walking into the theater. I've been caring for over a year waiting for this movie to come out. Hell, I've been caring for half my life at this point. If they couldn't keep my sympathies, they did something wrong.
Now I'm going to talk about directing. And I'm going to talk about directing with the authority that I've actually directed stuff, and because this is my blog and you love me you'll refrain from pointing out that I've never directed anything on film and therefore sound like a jerk. Good deal? Alright. So, I've decided that I don't think David Yates is a good director. This makes me sad because I would really like it to be otherwise. And ... I don't know. I'm not saying he's Chris Columbus by any means. He's not bad like that. But I feel he may be out of his league trying to direct something on this large a scale. I was hoping that all he needed was a chance to find his footing, but this film took all the things that didn't work in Order of the Phoenix and magnified them, which means all that's happening is he's just getting more confident with his mistakes.
If you watch any interviews with David Yates, you'll find that he's very unassuming and soft-spoken. I feel like he projects that personality onto his work. There were literally times when I was struggling to hear the dialogue. And his big thing seems to be reining the actors in - pushing for more subtlety. And I'm all for that! I enjoy subtlety in acting! But when subdued acting is your raw material, you need to do more to bring the audience into it. The transitions here are dead. The pacing is terrible. The beats are stilted and awkward. Like with OOTP, I found that I liked scenes individually, but it was a pain and a half getting "into" them. And GOOD GOD save me from David Yates and his wide shots. I'm serious. I get what he's going for, I think. Putting the audience at a distance from the characters makes the characters seem more intimate with each other. But it doesn't make the audience intimate with the characters. Sometimes we need to get right up in their business to remember why we like them. And always, techniques in moderation, please.
Also, for all the "humor" supposedly in this film - no one laughed. Like, ever. At one point I remember finding something funny and wanting to laugh, but feeling stifled by the fact that no one else was laughing. Frankly, Daniel Radcliffe does comedy really well. Harry on Felix Felicis was hilarious. And yet, awkward. Again, the beats. Jokes were over and gone before people realized they'd been made. David Yates may know how to get good performances out of actors, and I'll admit I think he does, but he has no idea how to craft a scene.
The cinematography, on the other hand, was gorgeous. This is probably one of the prettiest films I've seen in some time. But it wasn't put to good use either. It was like a mirror: shiny, cold, flat, and with no life other than what you project onto it.
Also, just throwing this out there: the score didn't match up with the action. I don't know whose fault that was.
I will have to admit, though, that the Inferi scene was bad-ass. I jumped, even though I saw it coming. I was nearly on the edge of my seat, but at that point, I was already suffering from numb disappointment, so it was hard to really live in the moment.
Dumbledore's death scene was well done, but felt somewhat inorganic and emotionally manipulative after the flatness of everything that preceded it. Oh, hands raised in solidarity! Lights in the sky! Haunting music! Again: WHO CARES.
And what in the Christing Christ was that line about Harry having never noticed how beautiful Hogwarts was? Aside from perhaps the Burrow, Hogwarts is the only beautiful place Harry has ever seen. FAIL, Kloves.
[End Spoiler]
I guess I'm done for now. I feel rather incredibly down. So, I'm going to go make what may be the best cookies known to man. If you read all this, and especially if you reply, please let me know if you would like me to send you one.
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