Speaking of New Jersey!

You should totally come live with me!

By "with" I mean "near"! And by "you" I mean ... well, you know which ones you are. The house up the block is for sale. It has hardwood floors, a second-floor patio, no space for multiple children, and only costs a cool half-mil! Which we've all got sitting around, right fellows? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.

I also have it on good authority that that the house next door to it will also be sold soon. It shouldn't be as expensive. Probably. I mean, it's, like, half the size.

And this is more or less while I will likely never be able to support myself and live like an adult.

PS. The taxes are GODDAMN RIDICULOUS! Act now!

Not on the docket:

Hangin' with Moammar Gadhafi.

You may or may not have heard about how the Leader and Guide of the Revolution is coming to speak at the UN, and about how he wanted to camp out in a tent in Central Park, and how the City of New York was like, "lol no." And then you may have heard about how he decided to do what countless others before him have had to do: settle for Jersey.

Any not just any place in Jersey! A place in Jersey where I just happen to be a significant amount of the time! I'm sure it's popped up on Pat's IP locator, even though at the time I probably wasn't anywhere near there. I totally could have gotten a picture of his tent with my cell phone camera, you guys.

And, you may be thinking, "Amy, why would you want to?" But the real question is: why wouldn't I? You see my point.

But then the town in question was also like, "lol no." Such is life.

In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts, thank you.

Full day.

Yesterday I:

- Learned of my cousin's engagement. (It was also her birthday. And the first I've heard from her in months.)
- Had a panic attack.
- Called 911.
- Got a new phone.

In list form, it totally sounds like these things might be related, but they weren't! They were all completely independent of each other, cause-wise. Oh, and everyone's fine. Well. Not the guy in that car, probably.

For your time: http://seemikedraw.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/twilight2.gif

Incidentally, I have curly hair.

Sometimes I forget, because I blow dry it straight. I did so this morning, but then it rained for 11 years and the power went out.

... Actually, those things are only speciously related. This has been happening every day, because I don't have air conditioning. But still, true story!



Aren't you glad you read this post?

I'm preparing to be furious!

Apparently they are making a new movie version of "The Lorax". The Lorax, in case I haven't mentioned it, is one of my most favorite things in life.

I hope they don't ruin it the way that absolutely every other Dr. Seuss movie in recent years has been utterly ruined!

Sometimes, I'm kind of a dick.

1. I just used ablative absolute in an official correspondence. Heeeeeee!!!

2. Also I ate all your cookies. Sorry. It somehow escaped my attention that people really like cookies, and will want them when you offer them. On the other hand, though, it turns out I still need to work on my ratio of flours, so.

Congratulations, Chamber of Secrets!

You are no longer the most boring Harry Potter movie!

[Begin Spoiler for HBP Review, in which I say "UGH" a lot. ... Metaphorically. — Highlight to view]

If you haven't seen it yet, maybe you shouldn't read this. I mean, I don't know. I don't want to ruin things for you. I've seen a lot of very positive reviews, and much internet chatter saying that this was "ZOMG Best One Ever!!!" and, frankly, you may agree. I don't want to take the possibility that you may agree away from you. But me, I'm profoundly disappointed right now.

The profundity of my disappointment is due, in main, to the fact that this is the first time it's happened. This is the first time I've sat in a theater, watched a Potter film, and as the credits began to roll thought: "I didn't like it. It wasn't good. I am disappointed." And in fact, it started before that. At some point I started to fretfully realize that the film wasn't going well. I had the horrible suspicion that it wasn't good, and I wasn't going to walk away liking it. I tried to shove that feeling down, but it would not be denied.

And just so we're clear - I'm not talking about things cut or things changed. I do not care. Frankly, I think they could have cut more than they did. If I've said it once, I've said it (and you've read it) a thousand times: I am not a book adaptation purist. In fact, and this may be the linguist in me, I sort of love seeing the changes and the omissions - the translation of the story from book to screen. Book and screen are two languages I'm fluent in, so this is a thrill I can't as yet receive from actual languages. As a stand-alone entity, the movie is mediocre. As a translated retelling of the book, it's mediocre.

That's the thing - it's not flat out bad. And, of course, being Potter, there were parts of it that I liked and enjoyed seeing brought to life, and I'll probably talk about those further on if this doesn't get tediously long before then. But the whole of it did not hang. Altogether, it was dull and lackluster and boring. Even the explosions felt muted and clinical; how the fuck do you make SHIT BLOWS UP into something boring? I'm not sure, but this film managed it.

The problem is, I suspect, two-fold: lazy screenwriting and ineffective directing. Let's start with the first. HBP is rather plot-lite. I mean, in terms of the overall fight of good vs. evil. The book makes up for with a lot of (sometimes awkward) color. I think this is why I can't decide where HBP falls in my book rankings. I love it, but it's ultimately filler. The script takes two plotlines: the learn-about-Voldemort plot and the teen-romance plot, and half-asses both of them. The memory scenes felt like filler, but then so did all the other scenes. Which one is the A-plot?

Then, there's the criminal misuse of Alan Rickman. At the end, where he reveals himself to be the Half-Blood Prince, my eyes rolled of their own accord, and I had to suppress a WHO CARES. Because, honestly, who gives a shit at that point? The whole thing is a side-note, there's no suspense regarding the Prince's identity, and it adds nothing to the story. If it weren't the title of the goddamn movie (which should have been a hint), they would have been better off cutting it entirely. Finally, it was a stupid coda to a scene that was already robbed of most of its emotional resonance.

I'm going to slip in here that the best performance of the film was given by Tom Felton, hands down. I don't think that he, personally, could have done anything more to make his part awesome. But his part, too, was ineptly pared down. From what I can tell onscreen, things seem to be going pretty well and then after a small setback suddenly Draco's sobbing in a bathroom. It makes his emotional turmoil at the end feel shallow and not fully convincing. If not for the aforementioned skill of Mr. Felton, I probably wouldn't have cared at all.

And here's the thing: WHO CARES? Well, I do. Or did, anyway. I cared walking into the theater. I've been caring for over a year waiting for this movie to come out. Hell, I've been caring for half my life at this point. If they couldn't keep my sympathies, they did something wrong.

Now I'm going to talk about directing. And I'm going to talk about directing with the authority that I've actually directed stuff, and because this is my blog and you love me you'll refrain from pointing out that I've never directed anything on film and therefore sound like a jerk. Good deal? Alright. So, I've decided that I don't think David Yates is a good director. This makes me sad because I would really like it to be otherwise. And ... I don't know. I'm not saying he's Chris Columbus by any means. He's not bad like that. But I feel he may be out of his league trying to direct something on this large a scale. I was hoping that all he needed was a chance to find his footing, but this film took all the things that didn't work in Order of the Phoenix and magnified them, which means all that's happening is he's just getting more confident with his mistakes.

If you watch any interviews with David Yates, you'll find that he's very unassuming and soft-spoken. I feel like he projects that personality onto his work. There were literally times when I was struggling to hear the dialogue. And his big thing seems to be reining the actors in - pushing for more subtlety. And I'm all for that! I enjoy subtlety in acting! But when subdued acting is your raw material, you need to do more to bring the audience into it. The transitions here are dead. The pacing is terrible. The beats are stilted and awkward. Like with OOTP, I found that I liked scenes individually, but it was a pain and a half getting "into" them. And GOOD GOD save me from David Yates and his wide shots. I'm serious. I get what he's going for, I think. Putting the audience at a distance from the characters makes the characters seem more intimate with each other. But it doesn't make the audience intimate with the characters. Sometimes we need to get right up in their business to remember why we like them. And always, techniques in moderation, please.

Also, for all the "humor" supposedly in this film - no one laughed. Like, ever. At one point I remember finding something funny and wanting to laugh, but feeling stifled by the fact that no one else was laughing. Frankly, Daniel Radcliffe does comedy really well. Harry on Felix Felicis was hilarious. And yet, awkward. Again, the beats. Jokes were over and gone before people realized they'd been made. David Yates may know how to get good performances out of actors, and I'll admit I think he does, but he has no idea how to craft a scene.

The cinematography, on the other hand, was gorgeous. This is probably one of the prettiest films I've seen in some time. But it wasn't put to good use either. It was like a mirror: shiny, cold, flat, and with no life other than what you project onto it.

Also, just throwing this out there: the score didn't match up with the action. I don't know whose fault that was.

I will have to admit, though, that the Inferi scene was bad-ass. I jumped, even though I saw it coming. I was nearly on the edge of my seat, but at that point, I was already suffering from numb disappointment, so it was hard to really live in the moment.

Dumbledore's death scene was well done, but felt somewhat inorganic and emotionally manipulative after the flatness of everything that preceded it. Oh, hands raised in solidarity! Lights in the sky! Haunting music! Again: WHO CARES.

And what in the Christing Christ was that line about Harry having never noticed how beautiful Hogwarts was? Aside from perhaps the Burrow, Hogwarts is the only beautiful place Harry has ever seen. FAIL, Kloves.

[End Spoiler]

I guess I'm done for now. I feel rather incredibly down. So, I'm going to go make what may be the best cookies known to man. If you read all this, and especially if you reply, please let me know if you would like me to send you one.

Dear insects.

Stop living in my house, or I will make you.

I'm serious.

In other, non-death related news.

Today I drove to the supermarket. Or "mart" as I like to call it. This is really not interesting. For a portion of the drive, I was behind a car that I couldn't identify. It didn't look especially fancy. The front was oddly tapered. The logo on the back was an oval, with a capital "R", slanting to the right, with what I'd guess you'd call a strikethrough.

Approximately like so:



Some script off the the right let me know that the car is "supercharged." It had no other distinguishing markings. I determined that when I returned home, I would google this anomaly and edify myself.

GOOGLE FAILED ME. I checked long lists of logos including those of companies that haven't existed since the 30s. Searching for the letter "r" is an exercise in futility. I am bitterly disappointed.

What is it?! I don't know! What if I never find out? Can you help me? Do you know? SOMEONE TELL ME.

What. the. hell.

... what the hell.

RIP King of Pop.

Ha ha, very funny, Twitter.

I've done very little in the past few days besides watching the situation in Iran.

Well, that's true in a sense, but in another sense I've also been demolishing my bedroom, writing a novel, and having food poisoning. But none of those things involve being too far away from the computer, so.

There's so much information. I've heard terrible things, and recently I've heard some very good things, but it's hard to know what's real and what isn't. I also feel anxious and sad because there's not much I can do. I did send an email to His Excellency the Ayatollah Khamenei today. So, there's that.

I don't see a lot of people talking about this, and I don't know what you know, but here's a bunch of links:

Good ol' Wikipedia
Why you should care
A flyer about what's going on
A coup in three steps
5 reasons to doubt the election results
The Huffington Post
Andrew Sullivan
I don't know what hashtags are, but maybe you do
ontd_political
Why We Protest
Flickr

If you use Twitter: a very simple thing you can do to help is change your Twitter location to Iran, and your time zone to GMT +3:30. This makes it harder to figure out who is and is not tweeting from Iran, which makes the users who are doing so less vulnerable to the government agencies trying to shut them down.

If you're feeling especially charitable, you can set up a proxy for Iranian users.

Worldwide Protests this Saturday

Stop what you're doing, because this is infinitely more important.

You may ask what could be more important than whatever you were just doing. I will tell you. This post is about BABY BUNNIES. As in the BABY BUNNIES that are living in my garden.

And now without further ado, BABY BUNNIES.



This is mommy bunny.



These are BABY BUNNIES.



These two like to hide and cuddle.



This one craves adventure.


... As you were.

Why I simultaneously need, and do not need, a Twitter.

First and foremost, I don't want a Twitter. I dislike most websites that fall under the heading of "social networking." Also, I don't care what I do all day. If I were doing anything interesting enough to warrant frequent documentation, I wouldn't have the time.

Sometimes, though, I think about what I would write in my hypothetical Twitter. Or something will happen, and I'll think it's just the sort of thing I would Twitter about. You know, stuff that's not really blog-appropriate. I thought about compiling some of these things, and making a blog entry about Things I Would Have Twittered, but I never actually write them down, and then I forget about them and no longer care.

Furthermore, while I may want to write these things down, I don't exactly want people to read them. I don't want people to follow me, I don't want to follow anyone, I especially don't want to follow anyone famous, and I don't want to be in any way connectable or findable. (I totally Googled some people I knew in high school yesterday.)

On some other hand, though, Twitter would provide a great venue for cryptic one-liners. And those are my favorite. I would be utterly delighted to give my inscrutable gibberish as little context as possible. I am positively itching to let you know everything while letting you know nothing!!

... It is not and has never been a mystery why I have trouble socializing.

Can't socialize -- obsessed with crappy book series.

I drooled on myself while I was laughing. It was undignified.

FURSPLOSION!!

I have to admit that I've been a little worried about New Moon. What with the closed set and the new director and the bigger budget and the use of colors other than blue, I worried that I might have to take it seriously. That it might be ... I don't know, kinda good? Maybe? Good enough to negate its value as a B-movie cult comedy classic at any rate.

This evening I saw the teaser trailer. WORRY CURED.

Storyteller.

I have been extra thinky lately, and I feel a desire to write. Of course, my usual problems with writing still apply, mainly a crippling fear of plot.

So here's what I propose: I'll write a story for you! Yes! You. All you have to do is tell me what story you would like me to tell to you. Then, in the reasonably near future, I will write that story. And ... blog it, I guess.

Open-ended, time-wise. First come, first served. Be as specific as you dare, for I have short-term imagination loss.

status

In the good news pile, my internet is repaired. Yes, just today. It ... please. In other news, though, I have the plague. But probably not swine flu, and I don't think I will become a zombie, so that's pretty good. Of course, I frequently have the plague. I'd estimate that I have some sort of respiratory infection or inflammation approximately 40% of the time, I just don't tell you about it. It would be like saying, "By the way, I still have fingers." But I mentioned it last time so I feel the need to tie up loose ends. Also it relates to my next two points:

- I was going to make a post for Mother's Day which I'd been planning to write since last Father's Day. I didn't, because I was busy having plague. So when I write it eventually, pretend that it's adorably timely.

- I will be house sitting this weekend, and besides watching a lot of HBO OnDemand and eating less healthily than usual, I will probably be bored. I was going to suggest you call me! You know, if you want to geek out about your new iPod, or if you've had a baby (or want to talk about Lost, whichever), or if you have an international calling card you're desperate to waste, or what have you. It could have been fun! But I kind of can't talk because I have plague. So I hope there's reruns of True Blood.

Things that are currently killing me.

In no particular order:

1. My sinuses. It's too early to tell if I have an ear infection, a cold, swine flu, or if I just breathed in too much pine tree (which may lead to one of the preceding), but the left side of my face is not happy.

2. My uterus? I don't even know what body parts are at issue, but I've been having lots of pain in the lower abdominal region for a few weeks. And no, it's not that thing that women get. Or, I don't know, maybe it's that thing that some women get, me being one of those women. Maybe I should have mentioned that this one was going to be about stuff growing on my girl organs. OH SORRY. Anyway, this is not a new problem, but if this is what it is, it's certainly a new intensity.

3. Money. Or rather, my lack thereof. You know how poor you are? I wish I were that poor right now.

4. My mother. Enough said.

5. The internet, general. For the past three days I have had a slow, wonky connection. This sucks because not only am I on the internet all the time, some of that time spent on the internet I'm actually doing important things that may cause me to be less poor. Also because if I see "Page Load Error" one more time, I may have to do something crazy like go watch television or maybe even read a book. I could have been doing both those things on the internet!

6. The internet, specific. Take a look at this. In the immortal words of the great Christian Bale, NO, FUCK NO!

and, as always...
7. Other people. Hell, it is them.

Success!!

Today I received a call from my niece, officially inviting me to her birthday party.

In the course of the conversation, she told me that she wanted me to make her a mix CD, like I have previously done. Because she listens to those, and the Beatles CD I got her, all the time. She knows all the words to all the songs. She thinks I have amazing taste.

I am so pleased with myself right now. I can't remember if I wrote about it here or not, but it had been my intent to introduce her to better music than the Z100 crap she favored. ... Thereby saving her life through art and making sure she doesn't become an insipid and unmindful and jaded person. Pretentious? Yes. Jerky? Maybe. But whatever because PHASE ONE COMPLETE.

... She also made a list of songs she wants included. Apparently her favorite song right now is "If U Seek Amy." Which, I mean, I'd object, but let's just say that would involve a certain amount of hypocrisy.

Later in the conversation she informed me of her plans to become a forensic investigator, and told me she looks up to me because I don't need a man to complete my life.

She will be 11.

Update for the sake of updating.

I am still sad, and nothing has felt interesting enough to blog about, but I figured it was time to bump the dead cat post from the top of the list.

It was suddenly a billion degrees over the weekend, and I was ill. I figured the best thing to do would be to annihilate Madagascar with Fluffy Kitten Amoebic Encephalopathy, but the only time I managed to get them, Canada screwed me over by closing its borders and developing a vaccine. Curse you, socialized medicine!

Thank goodness for New Moon filming, though. It has kept me up to my ears in lulz, despite the super secretness of the production. If you ever wondered what happened to Merry's hair from LotR, don't worry. It went to a good home.

Speaking of filming, I may have teared up. I'm not saying definitely, but it might have happened.