you know that feeling when you get punched really hardin the center of the chest, and then your soul siphons out through your kidneys?

Yeah, you know what i mean.

Update on the deliquescing heat.

Or: "Jesus Fuck! Didn't I just make an entry yesterday?!"

So, today I feel that I've managed to keep the house reasonably cool. Or, at least I've managed to keep myself reasonably cool by finding another fan and having it blow full strength directly on me. ....And by being unclad only in undergarments. Yes, I am in my underwears. This is not as attractive as it should be, since I also appear to have developed a rash from the heat on my legs, arms, chest, stomach, and back. I am gorgeous. I talked to my mother on the phone, and I told her about it in order to guilt her as she sits in her air conditioned office. It worked most satisfactorily. I'm still hot, though. On the plus side, it's only 93 ? right now. Yay!

There was a while this morning when I couldn't find Bert. I then figured out that he had been locked out on the porch. Doh. He seems to be alright now, he and Lily and passed out as though dead downstairs. But I'm wondering if I should bring him down to the basement, because it's much cooler down there. And Bert's all old and his fur is like, triple thick.

You may think, why don't I go hang out downstairs instead of what is likely the hottest room in the house? Because this is where the computer is. Obviously.

*edit: No, newBlogger, I obviously special characters aren't showing up. What do I need to do to fix that again? Oh wait, I don't care. That was a little degree sign, everyone.

It's new, it's scary, and I don't like it.

And I don't want to check my posts to see if any special characters I may have used show up properly. I'm at school right now. That sucks. I should have, you know, like, waited until I got home to do this, but I'm bored and I have an hour to kill. To murder. To render dead.

Anyway, yesterday, I wanted to make entries, and Blogger wouldn't let me, because Blogger is the love-child of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ted Turner, if you know what I mean, and I think Beth does. And now I don't. In brief: Yes, it is nine-million and a half degrees outside. I do not have air conditioning in my home. Please, I don't even want to go into it.

The sun is my enemy. It compounds the trials of living. With any luck, I will soon be able to fly a rocket into it. Today my mood is bitter and exhausted, and this keyboard I'm typing on bites. Hard. I hate this entry. It's so over.

Well, fuck you too, subconscious.

It's June 22nd.

Nothing has happened.

So much for the power of my prophetic dreams.

Waterloo. +1.

“She’s an era for you, an era of your life. If and when you break with her, you break with the only one alive who has shared that time with you.”
- Anne Rice, Interview With The Vampire .

I've always liked that quote. It's specifically vague enough to apply to many situations. Kind of like daily horoscopes. And I'm just a sucker for dates. And this one’s fitting. Well, at least when you over-think things the way I do.

I realize that every person who isn't me probably has no idea what the entry up to this point means. Huh. I suppose I really am cryptic, aren't I? Well plainly: I was deleted from the WD today. So here’s a blurb of self-indulgence: Goodbye, #587, Archer Princess, JupiterAmy. (February 26, 2000 - June 19, 2003)

It was real.

A new twist on a very old song.

It's bugging me that my ads are still for weight loss. bettie gets ads for cramps, internet service, and Japanese business prospects. Why can't I get weird crap like that? Come on, BOOKS! SOFTWARE! HUMANITARIAN AID CONCERNS! CUPCAKES!

Eh. So, I read Everyman , which is a medieval morality play. I read it in Middle English, which was kind of cool. It's about a chap called Everyman, who is told by God to prepare for his Final Judgement (duhn duhn duhhhh!!). The eventual moral of the story was that at the end of his life, the only thing that stayed with him were the good deeds he had done in life. Everything else abandoned him.

If this were me, I'd have a different ultimate companion: my issues. Even when I have nothing else, they never quit me. Aw.

Hey, guess who's dead!

This is one of my favorite games. Actually, it's not so much a game as the way I usually announce the news of someone's passing. Someone the informant doesn't know, usually a famous person. I mean, I'm not that sick. So, for today's guess who's dead:

David Brinkley. Well, that song is going to be a lot less fun to sing now, isn't it?
Gregory Peck. This is just very saddenening. I refused to recognize that he became old.

Speaking of dead things, on the subway this week, I noticed that there was the corpse of a dog lying by the side of the track on the stop where I disembark. It's been there all week. It's most likely a spaniel of some kind. I called NJ Transit yesterday and the day before, telling them about it. They said that it would be taken care of, and they apologized for my inconvenience. It's still fucking there. I can't tell you how distressing this is to me. I may have nightmares. I have this fear that it's just going to keep being there and that one day I'm going to walk by and it will be partially skeletal. Sorry, but hey, I'm the one that has to look at it.

Continuing with animals - tomorrow I'm taking Lily to the vet to have her girly organs removed. The office called for a confirmation of her teeth cleaning appointment. This is incredibley distressing. I corrected that, no, she's going to be cut open and her organs will be removed. That's ever so slightly different from having her teeth cleaned. Anyway, it turned out that it's in the computer for the right procedure, it's just down wrong in the appointment book. And this was the secretary I talked to. I know that the doctor is competant and on top of things. But still, I did not find this experience pleasant at all.

Sorry for the graphic nature of this entry. I blame John Webster.

MATRIX!

That movie entertained the fuck out of me. Entertained. The Fuck. Out of Me.

For about two hours and twenty minutes, life was good. And pornotastic! indeed.

Thus stating that there are only two things important in life: sex and philosophy.

Test.

Pick me.
No, pick me.
Why don't you pick both?

Click me.

Click me.

Does not exist.

I actually believe that's the definition of "Fucking A".

So, I went to the CVS to purchase some posterboard for my upcoming dramatic presentation. And also a chocolate. Anyway. Outside, there was a bum smoking a cigarrette, and listening to Led Zeppelin on his portable radio. And I'm talking, like, actual Zeppelin. Like, "Black Mountain Side" and "The Lemon Song". I now officially hate everyone except for that guy. I bet he's got a pretty sweet life. For a bum outside the CVS.

In other news, my hate of a certain other person grows less "paranoid and suspicious" and more "justified and correct" every day.

Oh, and I have also worked Buffy into my presentation. I geek supreme over all of you.

And so, in conclusion, Rutgers can fucking bite me.

No, really, it's only the conclusion that's important. I'm too tired for the whole story, anyway. Let's just say I wound up 5 hours late and $130 short.

Maybe this tale will freak someone's establishment later. And by later, I mean... in a couple minutes.

How to be a mysterious newbie, but get me to like you anyway.

Be this person. This person is like, the kryptonite of my inherent distrust and hatred of everyone. I don't know how I feel about this.

How to lose weight eating Oreos and Coke.

I don't know, you tell me. That's all I've been having for the past week or so, and I seem to keep going down in size. It may have something to do with all the pacing and nervous limb bouncing. Or all the typing, because, man, I could kill someone with these toned forearms.

In other news, I think I have officially done with the WD. I'll write it a five word email or something.

Yes, I cried.

I thought I was meh about it, but as I realized that Nerf Herder was serenading me into a new episode for the last time, I got a little misty. However, I held it together until the end, and then three words made me cave. Free shots as to which ones they were.

I really wish I had liked the past two seasons more. I wish they had been better. I think that would have made tonight better for me. Because it was still a "thing," but not the "thing" it could have been. But, yeah. They could have beaten the Big Bad by dancing the hokey pokey, and I still, in the end, would have said "aww." You win, nostalgia. This concludes your spoilerless review of the lastBuffy ever .


Like. a . freaking. fountain. I am such a girl.

Alright, seriously.

Why is T3  premiering at Cannes? And why is Kevin Costner still making movies? Why doesn't he get it yet?

And why are there a bunch of birds staring at me from outside my window? Jesus! I'm not the one you want!

How To, And Not To, Get Along With A Depressed Amy.

This entry is mostly for the benefit of certain blood relatives who don't have an ice cube's chance in Hell of actually reading this, but hopefully we all can get a little sumthin'-sumthin' from this.

1. Realize that my feelings (or lack thereof) do not exist to spite you, or to upset you. Do not expect me to be happy just because you want me to be happy. I am not a happy person. And becoming upset with me because I cannot will myself into happiness will not help me to be happy.

2. If I say that "Nothing" is wrong, even though this is obviously bullshit, accept it. Obviously, I do not want to talk about what is bothering me. You don't want to talk about what's bothering me either, you just want me to stop being upset so that you're allowed to stop worrying about me. Likewise, if I tell you that "I don't want to talk about it" I mean that I do not want to talk about it. I do not mean that I want you to keep hounding me until I'm frustrated and upset and about to cry, and you declare me uncommunicative.

3. Do not get pissed off if I don't show the appropriate amount of interest in what you are saying/showing me. Here's a tip: I am interested. This is me expressing interest. This is as interested as I'm going to get. Chances are, this is all the interest that I can muster. Please see guideline #1.

4. Do not ask me "What's wrong with you?" like I have an arm growing out of my forehead. Perhaps what's wrong with me is the fact that I have to put up with being treated like I'm an insensitive asshole in addition to all of the reasons why I'm depressed in the first place.

5. Don't ask me to give opinions on things. Chances are that I have not thought about whatever it is you're asking me about. Chances are then that you're going to start pressuring to make a decision faster, frustrating and upsetting me and in turn you in the process. As a matter of fact, just make decisions for me. If you want to make plans, just tell me, "We are going to X on X date." I probably won't be enthusiastic. I may not have a good time. But I will go, and enjoy myself to the best that I am able to. I'm actually fairly easygoing when you're not constantly reminding me how difficult I am.

6. I don't like dealing with people. When out in public, there tend to be a lot of people. If you take me somewhere, please do not constantly remark on how it seems like I'm not having a good time. I probably was on my way to having a pretty good time before you reminded me what a lousy time I was having.

7. I know that you want to help. Sometimes, though, it's better not to. Most of the tactics employed in trying to "help" me often make me more upset. They also make me believe that you don't really want to help me, you just want me to act more manageable so that you don't have to put up with me. This does not inspire to be open, chatty, or what you claim to be after: happy.

This list is incomplete and not well written. Luckily, since I'm so depressed, that means I don't care.

The Really Long List Entry.

So, I yammer on occasionally about how I have really eclectic taste in music. As far as most people know, I like Zeppelin. Anyway, for a while, I've been wanting to list all the artists to be found in my mp3 collection. Tonight being my last night of Ethernet, what better time than now, I thought. I'm listing the artists only, because I have some 2,000 mp3s. Do you want me to list them all? I didn't think so. Bear in mind, that this is only my school computer. There are some on my home computer that I'm not going to bother to try to remember. And there are others which I just haven't gotten around to downloading yet. And yet more that I have on CD or vinyl, which I'm not listing. A further disclaimer: I make no apologies for any of these artists. I like some pretty crappy music. I have many songs of some artists, and one of others. I think it's balanced. If you cringe at the lameness of a certain list member, just assume I only have one of theirs. You'll feel better.

Deep breath, here goes.

10cc, 10,000 Maniacs, 3 Doors Down, 311, 38 Special, A3, Aaliyah, Aaliyah & Timbaland, ABBA, Abra Moore, ACDC, Ace Frehley, Adam Sandler, The Adolescents, Aerosmith, Aimee Mann, Air, Al Green, Alabama, Alanis Morissette, Alannah Myles, Alex Toh, Alice Cooper, Alice Deejay, Alicia Keys, Alison Krauss & Union Station, Alix Olson, Allison Moorer, The Allman Brothers Band, Alphaville, Alvin And The Chipmunks, Amanda Ghost, America, Andrea Bocelli, Andrew Bird (And His Bowl Of Fire), Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ani DiFranco, The Animals, Antonio Vivaldi, Aqua, The Archies, Aretha Franklin, Argent, The Association, Azure Ray, Bachman Turner Overdrive, Bad Company, Bad English, Badfinger, The Bangles, The Barenaked Ladies, Barry McGuire, The Bay City Rollers, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, Belinda Carlisle, Belle And Sebastian, Ben Taylor, Bethy Pants, Better Than Ezra, Bif Naked, Bikini Kill, Bill Haley & The Comets, Billie Holliday, Billy Idol, Billy Joe Royal, Billy Joel, The Black Crowes, Black Flag, Black Sabbath, Blind Melon, Blink 182, Blondie, The Bloodhound Gang, Blu Cantrell, Blue Oyster Cult, Blues Traveller, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Bob Seger, Bobby Darin, Bon Jovi, Bonnie Tyler, Boston, Bread, Bryan Adams, Buddy Holly, Buffalo Springfield, Buffy, Bush, The Byrds, Cabaret, The Cadillacs, The Calling, Canibis & Biz Markie, The Care Bears Theme, Carly Simon, The Carpenters, The Cars, Cat Stevens, Catherine Wheel, Cats, Chad Kroeger & Josey Scott, The Chambers Brothers, The Chantels, The Charlie Daniels Band, Charlie Pride, Cheap Trick, Chicago (the show, not the band), Chris Brayman, Chris Rock, Chuck Berry, Clarence Carter, The Clash, Coldplay, Collective Soul, Collin Raye, Counting Crows, Cowboys Junkies, The Cowsills, Coyote Shivers, Cracker, Craig Davis, The Cranberries, Crazytown, Cream, Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Critters, Crosby Stills & Nash, Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Crowded House, Crushing Velvet, The Cure, Curve, Cyndi Lauper, Daftpunk, Danny & The Juniors, Dante Thomas, Dave Brubeck, Dave Edmunds, Dave Mason, David Bowie, The David the Gnome Theme, The Dead Kennedys, Debbie Gibson, Deep Blue Something, Deep Purple, Def Leppard, Del, Derek & The Dominoes, Devics, Dion, Dion & The Belmonts, Dire Straits, Disturbed, Divinyls, The Dixie Chicks, Dobie Gray, Don Mclean, Donna Summer, The Doobie Brothers, The Doors, Dragonheart, The Drifters, Dropkick Murphys, Dubs, The Duprees, Duran Duran, Eagle Eye Cherry, Eddie Money, The Edgar Winter Group, Edie Brickell, Edith Piaf, Edith Piaf & Charles Aznavour, Edwin McCain, Ella Fitzgerald, Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong, Elliot Smith, Electric Light Orchestra, ELP, Elton John, Elvis Costello, Elvis Presley, Eminem, En Vogue, Enigma, Eric Clapton, Erykah Badu, Etta James, Eve, Eve 6, Everclear, Everlast, The Exploited, Faith Hill, Fear, Fear Factory, Feeder, Feel, Fifi, The Fifth Dimension, Filter, Fiona Apple, Firm, Five For Fighting, The Flamingos, Fleetwood Mac, The Flys, Focus, Foghat, Foo Fighters, The Four Tops, François Couperin, Frank Sinatra, Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers, Free, Fuel, Garbage, Garth Brooks, Gary Glitter, Genesis, George Clinton & The Parliament Funkadelic, George Harrison, George Thorogood, Generation X, The Georgia Satellites, Geto Boys, Gladys Knight, Gloria Gaynor, The Go Gos, Godhead, Goldfinger, The Goo Goo Dolls, Gorillaz, Grand Funk Railroad, The Grateful Dead, Green Day, The Guess Who, The Gummi Bears Theme, Guns N' Roses, Guster, The Harptones, Harry Chapin, Harry Nilsson, Heart, Heath Allyn, Hole, The Hollies, Holly Golightly, House Of Pain, Howard Stern, Howie Day, Humble Pie, Ian Van Dahl, Iggy Pop, Incubus, India Arie, The Indigo Girls, INXS, Iron Butterfly, Iron Maiden, Ivy, Jack Ingram, Jackson Browne, Jake Lee Rau, James Brown, The James Gang, James Marsters, James Taylor, Janis Ian, Janis Joplin, Jay Chow, The Jayhawks, Jean Phillipe Rameau, Jeff Buckley, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, Jennifer Armentrout, Jennifer Lopez, Jethro Tull, Jewel, Jim Croce, Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix & John Lennon, Jimmy Buffett, Jimmy Eat World, Joan Baez, Joan Jett, Joan Osborne, Joe Cocker, Joe Walsh, Joey Scarbury, Johann Pachelbel, Johann Sebastian Bach, John Cougar Mellencamp, John Mellencamp, John Fogerty, John Lennon, John Prine, Johnny & Joe, Johnny Cash, Johnny Maestro, Joni Mitchell, Josh Groban, Joshua Kadison, Josie And The Pussycats, Journey, Judas Priest, Juvenile Wreck, Kansas, Kelly Osbourne, Kenny Chesney, Kenny Wayne Shepherd, Kermit The Frog, King Missle, King's Quest, The Kingsmen, The Kinks, Kirsten Dunst, KISS, The Knack, LA Guns, Lara Fabian, Lauryn Hill, Lava Baby, Leann Womack, Led Zeppelin, Lee Michaels, The Lemon Pipers, Lenny Kravitz, Leonard Nimoy, Les Misérables, Letters To Cleo, Lifehouse, Lisa Lougheed, Live, Lou Reed, Lovin' Spoonful, Lucinda Williams, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Madonna, Mary J Blige, Mason Williams, Matchbox 20, Matthew Sweet, The Maya The Bee Theme (in English and Hebrew), Mazzy Star, Me, Meatloaf, Melanie C, Melanie Doane, Melissa Etheridge, Michelle Branch, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Milla Jovovich, Minor Threat, Missy Elliott, Missy Elliott & Nelly Furtado, Moby & Gwen Stefani, Modern English, The Moody Blues, Moondogg, Mötley Crüe, Motorace, Mountain, Mr. Big, Muddy Waters, My Vitriol, Mystikal, Nancy Wilson, Natalie Merchant, Nazareth, Neil Young, Neko Case, Nelly Furtado, Nena, Nerf Herder, The New Kids On The Block, The New Pornographers, The New Seekers, The New York Dolls, Newsies, Nicole, Nina Simone, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, No Doubt, Norman Greenbaum, Oasis, The Offspring, One Time Angels, Ophelia's Mirror, The Oranges Band, Otis Redding, The Outlaws, Ozzy Osbourne, Papa Roach, Pat Benatar, Patti Labelle, Patti Smith, Patty Loveless, Patty Smyth, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, Paul Williams, Paula Abdul, Paula Cole, The Penguins, Pete Townshend, Pete Yorn, Peter Frampton, Peter Paul & Mary, Phantom Planet, Phil Collins, Pink, Pink Floyd, The Pinwheel Theme, The Pizzicato Five, The Platters, The Police, The Pop Mafia, The Presidents of the United States of America, The Pretenders, Procol Harum, Psychedelic Furs, Puddle Of Mudd, Pure Prarie League, Queen, Rage Against The Machine, Rainbow, The Ramones, Rancid, Randy & The Rainbows, Randy Newman, Randy Travis, Rare Earth, Rasputina, Ray Charles, The Real McCoy, Reba McIntyre, The Regents, REM, Richard Marx, Richard Marx & Donna Lewis, Right Said Fred, Rob Halford, Rob Zombie, Robert Miles, Robert Plant, Roberta Flack, Rod Stewart, Rodney Crowell, The Rolling Stones, The Romantics, Roxette, Rush, Ryan Adams, Salt-N-Pepa, Samantha Mumba, Sammy Hagar, Santana, Sarah McLachlan, Savage Garden, Scandal, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Scott & Todd, Semisonic, The Sex Pistols, Sha-Na-Na, Shawn Colvin, Sheila Nicholls, Sheryl Crow, Sigur Rós, Simon & Garfunkel, The Simpsons, Skeeter Davis, The Skyliners, Sleater-Kinney, Smashing Pumpkins, Sophie B. Hawkins, Sophie Zelmani, Souldecision, Southside Johnny, Spacehog, The Specials, The Spice Girls, Split Enz, Squeeze, SR-71, Staind, Steely Dan, Steppenwolf, Steve Martin, The Steve Miller Band, Stevie Nicks, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Stillwater, Sting, The Stooges, Stone Temple Pilots, Stories, The Stray Cats,The Strokes, Strong Bad, Styx, Sublime, Sugarloaf, The Suicide Machines, Sum 41, The Supremes, Susanna Hoffs, Sweet, Switchfoot, Sydney Forest, System Of A Down, T. Rex, Talking Heads, The Temptations, Tenacious D, Tesla, Texas, The Band, The Hobbit, The Little Mermaid, Thelma Houston, Thunderclap Newton, Tiffany, Tim McGraw, Tim McGraw & Faith Hill, Tina Turner, Toad The Wet Sprocket, The Toadies, Todd Rundgren, Tom Petty, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, Tom Waits, Tool, Tori Amos, Tracy Chapman, Traffic, Train, Trisha Yearwood, The Troggs, The Turtles, Twisted Sister, U2, Ugly Kid Joe, Valerie Lewis, The Vandals, Van Halen, Van Morrison, Vanilla Fudge, The Velvet Underground, Vertical Horizon, Vitamin C, Vixen, War, Warrant, Warren Zevon, Weezer, Weird Al Yankovich, Wheatus, The White Stripes, Whitesnake, Whitney Houston, The Who, Wilson Pickett, Wings, The Yardbirds, Yes, The Youngbloods, Zebra, ZZ Top

Reaction?

Also.

I think I look really pretty in my picture. Upsettingly pretty.

This would be me fishing for compliments to make me feel better, by the way. Please oblige?

Um.

My new abode has no 'net access. Or cable. Ha! It will soon, though, in theory. Or at least, it better. I have my last exam tomorrow, and then I have to haul my ass out of here. Well, actually, my ass will be hauled after Buffy on Tuesday, because you know what? You really can't get UPN reception without cable.

I feel all... eh. There are things going on. School years ending, moving of things, everyone is making some sort of change. Including me. And yet I feel like absolutely nothing is happening. Everyone is doing, and my horrible depressing life is completely static in it's horrible depression. If I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, I'd cry. Right now though, I think I'm too confused.

For Superhero Girl, your moment of Salinger: My mother finally bought new girly wax. I was all zealous about that, so I decided to shape the outside of my eyebrows. Of course, a micromillimeter of sloppiness, and I pulled off a small chunk of my actual eyebrow. I was horrified. Of course, it's actually not that big a gap, and with a small bit of black eyebrow pencil, no one could even tell, even at close inspection that anything was wrong with me. But I still felt like I had only one eyebrow. That's kind of how my days have been lately.

I hope that my exam tomorrow is late. That way I won't have to start studying until tomorrow. Hey, you know what would be so totally awesome? If my life just suddenly and spontaneously ended. That would be the most pleasant of gifts.

Sunlight, what?

I need to start packing stuff. I so haven't even started. Also, there'll a movie on Sundance in about an hour called Amy's Orgasm . Is there any way at all that I will not be staying up to watch this? I think not! Nope. None at all.