The potential for sleazy secrets dies with you, good sir.

Mr. Rogers died. This is very sad making. Dieter informed us. He's so cool. He then made us feel better by showing us a film about monkeys.

In other news, my mother no longer hates me. Yay! And I got a pink letter from Tiny Del. Yay! She is ever so cute.

I don't like cultural anthropology. I don't like people. At least not living ones. I'm all about the biology of humans, and the study of their fossilized remains, but the stuff in between really bugs me. People blow. And hip hop sucks, no matter what country it originates from.

I did see a film today called The Kitchen Toto, about colonial Kenya in the 50s, though. It was rather good. There was a little blond boy in it. He liked to shoot at things randomly, and leave the little black kid in peril. And he necropsied a snake. He was all about the venom glands and whole undigested rats.

He wound up accidently killing his mother.

I was not surprised.

Happy Birthday to me.

Happy birthday to me.
Happy it's-not-really-my-birthday-but-it-is-my-three-year-WD-anniversary-today, dear me-e,
Happy birthday to me.

[blows a noisemaker]

*BALEETED!*

Things on the internet should not ever be deleted. Because I need some of these things, even though I can't remember that I need them. Emails are deleted from my inbox after 7 days. It used to be five days before I figured out that I could set it. But 7 was the maximum. My outbox items go after a month. Which makes no sense. Man, AOL sucks. There are so many email I wish I'd remembered to save. Ditto to PMs. Now that I no longer get as many (Although I did get 11 today, should I shut up?) it reminds me of how many are now gone.

Likewise, internet sites, even lonely old unused ones should not disappear. Especially when I have yet to copy and paste the relevant parts of said sites and instead only have them bookmarked.* On this note, I have been saving all the post on the old archives, because that thing don't look incredibly stable, if you get me. Going in chronological order, I'm up to 8/01/00. I have only just gotten to the posts that I find more interesting, if you get me. There are so freaking many. And then I get bored and lazy and stop doing it until the panic that the place might disappear gets me going again.

As an activity, I made some lists about deletion. What with the anniversary rolling around and all, here's a list of the people who registered before me who appear to be on the Road to Deletion: radioradio5 (03/18/03), fetterdave (03/19/03), Hi there (04/08/03), Lucretia (04/09/03), Katie (04/09/03).

A while ago, there was a whole bunch of static posters on the first page. Not moving up, slowly falling down, and just sitting there. Now, I am the static poster on the first page. God, what's my problem? [rolleyes]

Then there's the Address Book. As some of you know, I pride myself on never cleaning out my address book. I am a pack-rat, even of names. When a username is deleted, it is not deleted from your address book. Hence why I have the following usernames in there. Some of them shouldn't be there, by all rights. Some of them have been deleted, reregistered, and then been deleted again. Wow!

Ademia, AlyKat, Ang, Artemis, eliza4ever, exmorgan, Great Attractor, Jennifer, jjj, Lynelli, MomOfLauren, morgan, Runtley, Sheryl, Silent_Bob, Tonke.

Apparently, now that "Luna" has reregistered, but as Silverwolf, "luna" has reregistered as a fake her. Her number of posts is listed as 1, but in her "Show All Posts" Connie's archived posts show up. I don't cotton to this.

* You're a geek. And I know how much. And I find it adorable. [exasperated sigh]

Current Status: not dead.

Weekend trip tally:
[-] Quiet tearful alone cries: 2
[-] Cathartic being-hugged cries: 2
[-] "Everything sucks" cries: 1
[-] Fights with mother that precipitated above: 1
[-] Fully episodic basket-case in-the-bathroom cries: 1
[-] Panicking "not ready to go yet" cries: 1
[-] For reference, the time frame in which all these occurred: 50 hours
[-] Combined travel hours south: 10. Stupid fucking diesel engines.
[-] Combined travel north: 1 bus (2 hours), train 1 (3 hours), train 2 (20 minutes)
[-] Closest to boy I managed to find myself: 25 minutes away.
[-] Emotional state: Conflicted and numb.

My three-year WD anniversary is Wednesday. Send me virtual presents or something. Wow. Well, that's pretty messed up.

Also, I logged in today and managed to reset my news for the Watcher's Diary. So whereas before about 3/4 post of the total posts in there were marked as new, now only one is. This actually really pisses me off.

Fuck. I have to go to class like, right this very second.

Not to alarm anyone, but I cannot possibley describe how much I loathe and despise the state of being alive.

4

I didn't realize how fucking ironic that was until just now. Of course... it wasn't really ironic before now. Jesus, what the hell am I talking about?

In 8 days, I'll be asleep, probably, somewhere in Annie's house. Under normal circumstances [bitter cackle] this would be cause for much glee. Part of me will be amused to see exactly how together I won't manage to be.

I am a damn sorry imitation of a human being.

Heath? Sue.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Uh... I guess.

Ow my head.

I woke up with a crying hangover today. Am I the only person that gets this?Anyway, I was all dehydrated and headachey and stumbly, which I assume is what a hangover is like. Yes, my life is wild and carefree. Also, I really needed a shower. It just couldn't be put off. The combination of these things has lead me to miss Dieter's class for the second time in a row. Granted, this class is an awful lot like the one that I took last semester, and it's about monkeys so I absolutely cannot not do well in it, But gaaah.

I think I'm going to write him an email an tell him I had the flu. It's not a lie if I convince myself it's true.

Also, some random chap left a note on my previous entry, but I DELETED! that. The grammar and spelling were decent, and everything. Sorry about that, dude. It's nothing personal, I hate everyone. Especially everyone who knows nothing about my life, but feels that their 1:16 minutes of insight will make it all right as rain.

Also, I've discovered that if I space out my two cups of soup to different times of the day, then it's like having two completely seperate meals! Hooray for my extremely healthy lifestyle!

Also, I don't know if I need a new tape for this evening. I left both my Buffy and Angel tapes at home a few weeks ago, and so I used the only blank tape in my room to tape both of them. My intent was to record as many episodes as I had space left for on my "official" tapes, and then transfer the episodes at a later date after I had found a kind person with two VCRs who can do something like that. Then all the episodes would still be in order. The problem is that I don't know how many episodes I have on this intermediary tape, nor how many are on my good tapes. I forget when I stopped labelling them. And I don't know how much I really care about either show to figure it out. And plus, I don't want to walk to the store, I just did that yesterday. Poo. Eh. Gaaaaaaah.

I'm so glad I'm not at class right now.

Why can't I even just have one good day? Just one.

My professor stinks.

No, really. He's very smelly. At first I thought, well, not that it was me, but that there was some other explanation. But, no, the air was fine until he came in, and then there was stink.

I got the stinky teacher. My life is in many ways like first grade.

Or maybe just in that way.

Excellent.

The Sci Fi Channel is showing Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade twice in a row. This is so fabulous. When it came on the first time, I was showering an then en route to school. And now I can see the whole thing! I know that many eschew this odd new network practice of showing the same movie twice in a row, but I dern like it. It harkens back to days gone by, or something. Whatever. The point is that I get to watch one of the best movies, ever.

Words cannot describe how much I adore this movie. I will leave you with this, though. All things being equal, the movie in which the hero shoots Nazis is invariably the better one.

On leaving the board.

In 18 days, it will be my three year board anniversary (Ha bettie!). I was thinking that maybe that would be a better time for this title, what with the irony and everything, but whatever. Apparently, reading posts used to take up a whole lot of my time. I note this because apparently now, I have lots of it. It's not like I'm going anything with it, though. Instead of sitting in front of the computer, staring at a postlist, I sit in front of the computer, staring at nothing. It's kind of boring, yet I have no real desire to do anything else. This all but proves a theory that I had a few years ago (dude. I can say that and mean it. How utterly fucking bizarre.) that the time I spent on the board wasn't what was keeping me from doing stuff (stuff in this instance being "school work") but instead was just a by product of not wanting to work.

Oddly though, in my constant blog refreshing, I see people mention posts (maybe in one of those 368 new threads or something) that I know absolutely nothing about, and I have no desire to read it. Well, maybe I'd like to see what got said about Freako Jackson. Which is what I'm looking for now. And in the process, I've already found two posts on the first page with spoilers in the parent post. And yet, I have no desire to log in and PM anyone about it. I don't even feel like tipping you off as to where they are now. Meh.

Here's what I did today: was dead unconscious until noon. I came home to avoid being snow-bound in my dorm, and that's a good thing, because it means I got to sleep uninterrupted. Which was desperately needed. I thought that it was later when I woke up, and I was surprised when it was only twelve. So I went back to sleep until 2. Then I woke up and took a shower. Then I turned on the computer and stared at it. I had several PMs, so I went and read them. I received no word on anything. Which I was expecting. Then I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. Then I watched Donnie Darko. Then I took my pharmacy of pills. Some of them ironic. Then I sat in front of the television and did cross-stitch. And now I'm sitting in front of the computer again.

This, ladies and gentlemen, was my day. I don't know how the fuck the rest of you can space yours out to fill more than one short paragraph.

I skipped a class Thursday so that I could study for the test I had in the class after it, since I had yet to. I didn't study. I'm pretty sure I did alright anyway.

Incidentally, I think the only person I had (what passes for) a conversation with today was Sas. And even though it doesn't seem to be the fashion anymore, I will always refer to her by her superhero name.

I had my mother listen to Milla Jovovich. She likes the song in Ukranian, but nothing else. Eh. Can't win them at all.

Even Coffee Commercials hate me and should fuck off.

I'm sorry, that had nothing to do with my entry. It's still true, though. Anyway, I have something to talk about that's actually of some importance, which as you know, is rare for me. My main obstacle is figthing apathy, as I this is something that I really do care about.

Yesterday, the governor of New Jersey, Skeevy McGreevey proposed his plans for the state's budget. His goal is to cut a whole bunch of money because, I dunno, we don't have any. Or something. This includes cutting more than $100 million for NJ state universities, such as the one I attend. Yay.

Also among the cuts was the State Arts Council. Arts Council. Not "funding to". The actual organization would be dismantled. There would be no funding of the arts. At all. State theatres. Music arenas. Television and film production. This is the most insane proposition, possibley ever. Let's not even discuss the importance of the arts on society, let's talk about the economic prospects. It's stupid to eliminate an insitution, which at the most pessimistic estimate provides 4 to 1 returns. Way to stop and reverse the revitalization of Newark, Camden, and New Brunswick, to name a few. I can't wait for all the businesses built on the theatre industry to fold. Hey, perhaps the State Theatre can go back to being an adult movie theatre! And perhaps I can pass by it every day as the property values go down, the area around Rutgers decipates, and my tution rises.

Not six months ago, McGreevey promised to be a "champion" for the arts. Now, after all but signing its death warrant, he told the people that he said he would support to lobby ain't his decision. Lobby against his decision. Seriously. I don't know what the hell he's doing. A gamble? Get people all indignant? Have them petition for a tax hike instead so that he doesn't look like the bad guy for implementing it? What if it doesn't work? On Monday, no one even thought that him suggesting this could happen. It seems so irrational that people may grow complacent that it won't happen, and not do anything, and then, oops! No more arts. Or is he trying to play both sides? Say "Hey, I'm not the bad guy. It's not like I want to do this."?

Gah. Perhaps I should write to my Congressman. Whatever would I say?

You see, this is why I dislike knowing about the world at large. It just reminds me that everything sucks. Everything.

Ticketing blows!

Today has been a day of tickets. None of them related to the Department of Motor Vehicles, though. I have to go see all these shows for my Theatre Issues class. And it sucks! They're all occuring very soon! And at times when I need to be elsewhere. On the first day of class, we had to put in ticket orders for the first show "Equus". Which meant that I had to decide on the date then. As only the dates were given, and not the days, and I did not bring one of those schmancy notebooks with the calendars in it (Five Star!) I wound up getting a ticket for Saturday. Pfft! I need to go to my home to get things this weekend. Perhaps I just won't go. I'm sure I could fake it.

The exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the Indians call it maize. Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts. Thank you.

Explain how!

I have been sitting in front of the computer for the past 7 or 8 hours. Oh, Jesus. Yet, in this time, I have accomplished nothing. Well, no, okay, I had a cry jag, but hell, I do that in my sleep these days [/ah, a good old "Amy is still upsettingly heartbroken" reference to scare away any potential commenters.] Thing is, I'm sure there are things that I coulda/shoulda/woulda been doing. Well, okay, maybe not the woulda. I have a test which is technically tomorrow, that I have not studied for. Granted, it's on geography, and I really don't need to study very much, but still. There's no way in hell I could name 55 African countries at this moment, let alone place them on a map. Also, there's my cross-stitch. Which I've been meaning to work on since I got to my dorm. So that's, what, at least a few days, right? Yet I have not even moved to make even one stitch. Tomorrow I have to extract and spend about $174 from my bank account, so that I can later go to a place I am petrified to go to, and yet it's 2:30 in the morning, and I don't even plan on setting my alarm. Since I rearranged my room, I cannot turn off my alarm without getting up out of my bed. This greatly impedes the impetus to set it.

Sitting here writing out this longer-than-neccesary entry is another symptom of this, whateverthehell I'm doing. So when I'm done I will most likely just go around to the same pages I've been going to all night, and hit refresh until something new comes up, and listen to Milla Jovovich sing all pretty. She's a Sagittarius, you know... or at least do now. And I've just attached personal significance to a song about the Holocaust. I think this shows that I'm a pretty messed up person.

When does my life get to stop being stuck on pause?

I get it!

Heart is an 80s band! I finally understand why! It's so irrational!

Um. Nevermind me. I had a moment of insight. You don't care.

Also, curiously, I think Milla Jovovich is one of the worst actresses, ever. Yet, I really like her music. Yes, she's a singer.

I hate my brain.

It's so frigging stupid.

Also, on Wednesday I'm going to buy train tickets to and from Richmond for the later part of this month. The full implications of this action have not yet occurred to me. But I'll get to see Annie, which is the plus in any event.

My brain, it seems, controls the rest of me.

Update

So as not to leave anyone in the dark, there will be no Hamlet for Amy. And while I know it will be tempting, I really don't want anyone to be apologetic or sad or anything, as I am completely apathetic in regards to this development. (I am rather wary of their auditioning process, though. Much head-up-assery was had by all.) This is just so that you can all stop being jealous of me. .... About this, anyway.

At this moment

I am desperate for something to happen.

Desperate.

"If it is a choice between Richmond and death, then I choose death."

Is it sad that upon hearing that line, my first thought was that I should use it as an entry title? Yeah, I thought so. I saw The Hours this evening. It was good. [/bland review] The characters were very complex and as a whole gave you more to think about than you can fit in two hours. Which is good. However, (and I want to slap myself for saying this) I don't think that I really "got it". By which I mean that I can't really tell if there was supposed to be a message or something. Or any kind of statement. Or if it was just... here's a bunch of people, and they're pretty fucked up.

However, the makeup was fabulous. And the acting was terrif. Have I mentioned that John C. Reilly kicks ass?

I liked it. Probably more than I should have, given the content. And I have a strong urge to start reading Virginia Woolf now.

In any event, I'd like more people to see it (yes, please go to the movies because I told you to) and then to tell me what they think.