9

This is about as candid as I get, folks.

When my cousin Denise was about, let's say, 15, she wanted to pick out songs to play at her wedding. (Isn't that cute.) She wanted my advice on them. (Isn't that cute.) One song she played for me was "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. It was the first time I had heard it. She didn't care for it, but I immediately fell in love with it. Yes, it's a power ballad. Yes, it's Bryan Adams. Yes, ... you know what, fuck you all, I love this song. Because I just do, so there.

When I was a freshman there was a "dance" "club" version of the song made, sung by some chick. I guess it was somewhat popular (my aversion to the radio has been going on for a few years now). Because I could hear it wafting on the breeze all the time. It was horrible, and I wanted to cry tears of blood and murder bystanders every time I heard it. It was as if they were urinating on the graves of my ancestors, that's how offended I was by this song. Anyway.

There's a lyric somewhere around the middle, and it doesn't rhyme, and it always kind of stuck out to me because it seems awkward, but not in an awkward way. It's: "Now nothing can take you away from me/We've been down that road before but that's over now". I always wondered if, were I to play this at my own wedding, if I would have to go through some lost love trauma in order to qualify. And it's one short line, amidst an entire song of simple romantic lines.

Life, it seems, is much simpler in theory than it is in practice. If this song is about real people, than that line can recount an unexplainable amount of tears and sorrow, and make them seem utterly insignificant. Because "that's over now". And there seems like there should be more explanation. How were they split apart, how did they come back together? All very important questions, that, I suppose, deserve answers. But on the other hand, it doesn't matter. The whys don't matter.

I think that true love is very rare. I also think it's very dangerous. Because true love makes one person dependent on another for their very survival. The presence or lack of presence of a single person in your life can dictate whether you are happy or not. But what do you do when that person isn't there anymore? My cousin Teresa (1st cousin, once removed) was married to a man named Gus. She was always a sarcastic, and some would say dour person (she was great), but she loved him with all her heart, and he made her extremely happy. And then, as people are wont to do, he died. And she kept living, but completely apathetically. She just sort of hung around, waiting to die. And then when she got sick, she just didn't fight it, and she let it win. And I can think of other examples.

That elusive, true, unconditional love is one of life's biggest high-stakes gambles. Because when you're winning, you are in the metaphorical money. But when you lose, you lose everything. And sometimes I wonder if the gain balances out the eventual loss.

And it's thinking about things like this that really make me marvel at my Aunt Rose. She turned 90 this August. She married my Uncle Joe when she was 16. He was 20. ("Oh, well I was almost seventeen!" - Aunt Rose) My Uncle Joe died on New Year's Day, 1990. They were married for 60 years. I don't know how I would deal with that. I don't know how she dealt with her son dying of a heart attack before he turned 40. I don't know how she dealt with her daughter (Teresa) give up on life with nothing she could do to help her. I don't know how she can handle having only one living sibling, when she originally had six. I don't know how she managed to be so strong, beautiful, and kind after the life she had.

She is a miracle. I am in awe.

I suppose this entry was supposed to capture a feeling or a state of being that I've been in lately. There are some times that I worry about what other people will think and say, and how that will affect me. And sometimes I just think, "Nuts to other people". Because I am happy. And I like being that way. And I am very much in love with someone. And if this is not the definition of unconditional love, then I don't know what is. And ironically, this person loves me.

And that's what's important.

Alright, you may resume the rest of your lives.