I don't want to talk about it, really.

Talking about my issues and eccentricities is fun! Hopefully it's not dispelling the air of mystery that I've unconsciously constructed for myself. I don't think it does. Because if there's anything that I've learned in reviewing my journal entries, it is this: I am a strange girl.

I have a quirk of interpersonal interaction. It's a thing that I try that never works, and yet I somehow always seem to think it may. It is this: When in conversation, I often drop hints or make comments about things that I do not want to talk about.

Now, naturally, the most logical thing to think is that I do really want to talk about it, right? It's basic psychology. "I don't want to talk about it" = "Drag this out of me, because I really do want to talk about it, but I want attention first".

But, no. I honestly bring up things that I honestly do not want to talk about. Sometimes, it's a legitimate slip. I shouldn'na told you that. [/Hagrid] After these instances, I kick myself mentally and call myself a doofus. But on other occasions, I'm at least semi-aware of what I'm doing. I can't say I've ever made a completely conscious effort to mention things I don't want to talk about, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Why do I do this? The reason, actually, is simple enough. I don't expect a reply. This may sound completely stupid, but it is, in fact, what I assume will occur. I will drop Hint X, and my partner in conversation will let it go, and continue with the conversation.

I blame movies, I think. This happens all the time in movies, but it never happens in real-life. Someone makes a comment, and it's foreshadowing. It slips by the person that they're talking to, only to become relevant later when the importance of the comment is highlighted. Or else, the comment produces an internal reaction in the person they're talking to. "What does that mean?" the person wonders. "Could she possibley mean X?" But of course, the person will not ask, they will simply think about the prospects, mulling it over at a later point in time.

And this, essentially, is what I expect. Sometimes I'd like the person I'm talking to to think about X. So I will drop a hint about X. But I do not want to talk about X, and I do not want them to ask me about X. The reason I expect this, besides the movie precedent, I believe, is that this is what I often do. If someone makes an off-hand comment, I will often ponder what they meant by it, and come up with several nuanced possibilities. The extent to which my rampant paranoia affects my interpretations is inconsistent. I won't ask about it, though. I will simply let the questions drive me crazy in silence. Well, depending on what the possible meanings are. Sometimes I will ask.

I've never been sure if this happens to other people. The silent pondering. But sometimes I want them to ponder silently. So I try to set it up so that they do. But it never works. I am invariably asked what I mean, or to elaborate. The point, in some way or another will become highlighted. And at that point I need to either sigh and say "Nothing." or else explain what I meant. Neither is a particularly attractive option.

Conflict occurs where subjective expectations meet objective reality.

In other news, I would really like to review Slaughterhouse 5 . Unfortunately, 90% of people are profoundly stupid. QED.