You know u r from NJ if..............

This is the title of one of those obnoxious chain mails that my cousin sent me today. It's one of those funny regional ones. Of course, it's not so much "funny" as it is "occasionally apt". So, here's some commentary on the information contained therein. Because, in case I've never mentioned this before... I'm from New Jersey.

1. You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges". This is true. Of course, you should further clarify that there are "The Oranges" and then there's West Orange. Where there is a far far less likelihood of your dying by gunfire. Also, a special case should be made for East Orange. If you find yourself there, even if you're not normally religious -- pray to Superman.

2. You know that it's called "Great Adventure" not "Six Flags". This is true. Great Adventure, home of the world's largest drive-through safari (complete with illegally feedable monkeys!), was in existance before selling out to the chain.

3. A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter. Um... this is false. Or else foreign to me. A good quick breakfast is typically a bagel, but that was probably to Philadelphian for the discerning compilers of this list.

4. You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. True. Though *wanting* to go there is a completely different matter...

5. You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 a.m. I have never been stoned or drunk, and I have never been to a diner at three a.m. I believe the point of this is to show that lots of various activities revolve around going to diners.

6. You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery. Word.

7. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen and you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from. I haven't really polled my family on their opinions of The Boss. They are accepting of him, where as I hate him with a visceral loathing. Much in the vein of Kevin Costner. End of story. Oh, and Perth Amboy. Duh.

8. You know what a "jug handle" is. Yes. It is a perfectly logical and efficient means of navigating treacherous highways. Without them, you would probably die.

9. You know that WaWa is a convenience store. And they've spread south! But all wrong! Wawas don't sell beer!

10. You know that the state isn't all farmland. Um... I don't think we have anyone fooled on that score anymore.

11. You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey - there's the shore - and you don't go to the shore, you go "down the Shore". Yes. This is really a crucial thing to know.

12. And when you are there, you are not "at the shore", you are "down the Shore". Again, absolutely essential.

13. You know how to properly negotiate a Circle. Um. I've never tried, but I'm sure I could manage. I've seen it done.

14. You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving. Well, obviously.

15. You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire - doesn't work does it?) I really don't think that this is limited to intrastate knowledge.

16. You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain, AND a fast food sandwich. Um. I did not know that, actually. I would assume they sell them at White Castle?

17. You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege. This is true. But, then again, I consider putting mayonaisse on anything a sacrilege. I think mayonaisse is disgusting. As is, incidentally, corned beef. What a confusing statement.

18. You don't think "What exit" is very funny. Oh, come on. It so is. 149, baby!

19. You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different". And how!

20. You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters. Oh, I'm sorry. They must have meant "You know the only New Jerseyans who are actually capable of going to Princeton are the children of alumni and staff, who are essentially out-of-staters who come here to soak up the Ivy League slots. Oh, no, really, it's much, much cooler to go to Rutgers, or better yet, TCNJ! [/bitter]

21. The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your local school or bar. Eh. Probably. I doubt I would have noticed, though. I think those are sports teams.

22. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls. I most assuredly do. and I'm talking real malls, not those little fake malls.

23. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers. Well, the ones I know, I do. Like 1 and 18 and 37. But that doesn't really work with the Parkway and the Turnpike, now does it? This list is so half-assed.

24. Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony. No I didn't. In elementary school, there was Anthony. But he went by Ant more than he would Tony. I am proud to say that I went to school with a Gina, though.

25. You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits. Well, not from my own knowledge bank, but I have been told many times over of their locations, yes.

26. You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall. Never trying to get out of a mall. My mother did it while trying to take me to school once.

27. You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way. Pffffffft!! This is ridiculously false. Like I'd ever be excited to go to Sleazeside like a fuckin' Bennie. The place is the den of all the teens of Ocean County. The North Jersey crew is only there Memorial Day weekend. And please, the people in South Jersey are too fucking lazy to go down to Cape May.

28. You weren't raised in New Jersey, you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey. Oh like Central Jersey counts.

29. You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state. That's false. We are perfectly cognizant of our crimebeds. We just don't want to admit to them. The same goes for Trenton, actually.

30. You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel, Bamburger's, and Orbach's. Uh, Rickel's, Channel, and Bamburger's, yes. The rest no. Except Two Guys. We still have one of those in my town.

31. You've had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries. I most certainly have had nothing of the kind. Geeluaaaagh!

32. You start planning For Memorial Day weekend in February. I actually had no clue when Memorial Day was until this very year. Needless to say, this is false.

and finally...

33. You've never, NEVER pumped your own gas. Fuckin'. A.