This is not about Harry Potter.

I may still get around to that entry. But right now I'd actually like to state some beliefs/feelings/opinions. Hey, almost like this was a journal or something! At the moment, I'm thinking about something other than how depressed I am. Hence, the internet at large gets the benefit of knowing about it. I've been thinking about things recently, and I have come to the decision that I am very strange. I don't understand many people. That is to say, there are things that many people seem to think or believe which strike me as completely foreign, and I can't really comprehend them. And by writing about them right now, I don't expect to be validated or reassured. I do wonder why I feel like such a Martian in what I think. Am I really just that strange/unique/crazy/something? One of these topics is that of love, and it's disreputable counterpart: sex. Now, I'm a metaphor about dyed wool when in comes to being a complete prude, so I'm not talking about well, "any of that business". I'm talking about generally. Conceptually.

I do not understand the desire for sex.

Let me clarify. Yes, physical, blood, desire, sex is good, all that stuff, woo hoo, fine fine. I understand the enjoyment factor and why someone would want to have it. I'm talking about the desire for sex alone. I'm talking about the phrase "I need to get laid." Seemingly, it doesn't matter who it's with, only the act is important. To me, this is so radically repulsive to every fiber of my being that I can't really describe it. And I don't think I mean just "casual sex" either, or the fact that people do that. More to the point

I do not understand the desire for a relationship.

I have never wanted a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Or a relationship that I didn't have. Wait, that's not true. I remember several years ago wanting to have a best friend. It seemed that many people had one, yet I did not. I wanted a friend that was like a sister, that I'd be comfortable talking to about anything, conceivably until forever. Then I realized that nearly everyone that I thought had that didn't really. And now, I do. So, HA! Anyway, back to the sex. I don't understand dating. I don't understand wanting a vacant position filled. That's what it is, isn't it? Dating? You hang out with someone you don't know very well because you're interviewing them for the part of "significant other". It strikes me as being... cold, somehow. Unnatural. "I want a boyfriend" sounds to me like "I want a situation. I don't care who the situation is with, I just want to be in it." Then it's just a matter of appraising every person you meet to see how good a candidate they are for the position. The whole thing seems so backwards.

Here's what I do understand: People. The wanting of a certain person. The wanting to do illicit and possibley illegal things to a certain person. Not because you want to do "the thing" but because you want to be with "the person" and the actions proceed from that but are secondary. I understand the building of relationships. That you start out as acquaintances, and become friends. And then amongst the people you've befriended, one emerges as the one you love, who loves you back. Which is sort of up to chance, I guess. And does that mean I think you just sit and wait around for fate? Well, I guess so. Because the alternative is actively seeking out a filler for the gap, which is what I don't understand.

And oddly, I never found waiting to be hard or stressful. Again, because I never desired a relationship. I really didn't think about it. And getting back to the notion of dating, it's like going through the motions of being in love (depending on how one dates from "hanging out exclusively" to "doin' the do") and expecting love to follow. Or sometimes not. It only makes sense to me that the motions should only go on after the love, or at least the beginning of it, is already there. I don't really think of it as at all "magical" and I really don't believe that anything is "cheapened" the other way, I'm just saying that I honestly cannot understand how people do it. I'm logically, emotionally, and in all ways just... baffled by it.

I also believe that true love is very rare to come by twice, let alone any more times. And by "true love" I don't mean "one's true love" as in a person, I mean the emotion, and feeling it for a person. I believe it is impossible to feel true romantic love for more than one person (at a time) and that true romantic love is very difficult to dispel.

Of course, reflecting upon the state of my life, it's very hard to take anything I say very seriously.