D'you ever have something to say to someone, but you're so worried that it's not going to be ... right to say? Maybe because you know that their feelings are the more important, but you really just want to talk about your own feelings? Something like that. Anyway. This is one of those.
You are so fucking right. God. So ... everything. One of my pet hatreds is of the phrase "I know how you feel." But, some of the things you say, Jesus, I fucking was you. And I would have given fucking anything to have you never know what it feels like. You are completely right.
Fuck.
Friday
Thursday
Worlds folded more than 4.
In case you were wondering ... that was the gimmick.
All in all, I've had a most pleasant and entertaining 4th.
All in all, I've had a most pleasant and entertaining 4th.
Friday
What collides?
I have had a miserable day. I want sympathy. I'm far too tired to write out my troubles again, and yet, I still don't feel sated with prior rantings. So I am just going to copy and paste directly from emails that I sent to the Boy. Aren't you lucky! It's like a super secret glimpse into my life!
Preface: As ... someone may know, I am running a show now. Normally, I love this. I am an actress, foremost, but I love working crew, and I love my producing work. I am a theatre enthusiast in general. So when I say that I was achingly disappointed in my evening, I ain't just bullshitting you. Also, since I didn't mention this in the email, my scene partner for my class most definitely has a crush on me. It's really pissing me off. And if he doesn't learn his lines, I think I have every right to murder him. Moving on.
Email the first: Oh good, it's you. As my designated lifemate, you get to hear me carry on about my completely shitty day. I took a lot of napping last night, and actually slept for a good deal of the night. However, since I'd been so ... awake for a few days prior, I was still extremely tired. And I had to wake up early to do my laundry, because I'm not sure when I'm going to *get* another free *hour*. Whilst doing my laundry, I discovered something insidious. The dryers, which cost 75 cents per use, run for 54 minutes. Without exception. 75 more cents if you want 54 more minutes. What I have done in the past is, at select times, remove select clothing items which are already dry, to help the still-damp ones dry faster. I could take as much time as I wanted, since the timer only counted down while it was running. NOT ANYMORE, THOUGH! Now, the minutes get used up -- even if the dryer isn't on! What the fuck am I forking over my change for? Anyway, because of the need to do laundry, I had a very short time to get to class, even though my class was at one. First, though, I had to stop off at the store to get a gift for my "secret valentine" -- because my class decided this would be a good thing to do. I got a sample box of chocolates and a card with a smiley face on it. It cost less than three dollars, but that was still more than I was willing to spend. I need to conserve all my money for train tickets and, you know, to live. Despite my poverty, I still felt shame that mine seemed to be if not the cheapest, than one of the bottom two of everyone. Even though I am destitute. (On a that note, my father is bringing my prescription down to me on Sunday morning. I will beg for funds because I do not know shame or guilt.) My gift was a bar of candy that I didn't like, and a bag of "Veggie Twists" which actually is the sort of fruity new-age snack I'd go in for. Except the flavor - garlic and rosemary. ?!!?! So, after class I took the bus back to my room, unloaded some stuff and grabbed my pills and checked my emails. About 12 minutes total. Then I had to get another bus to go back to the other campus to work on the show. The bus was at the stop as I arrived. The EE. As I was *running up to and along side it* is when it started to pull away. I WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE! As it leaves me there, hoping that the driver sees my extended middle finger in his rear view window, I look across the street to see the F bus also pulling away. So I had to stand at the bus stop for about 15 minutes. All this means that I had about 15 minutes to go to the dining hall and attempt to have food. The only thing that had that I could actually eat were dry chicken finger (no honey or honey mustard) of which I had about four. It was terrible. And that's all I've had to eat all day. Also, I've been very dehydrated (which I note as I suck back my last bottle of water). Then I get to the show! I soon find that I have not yet begun to be pissed off. Let me start a new paragraph.
So, I am running props. My duties include setting the props and some furniture that will be onstage, and arranging items off-stage that will be carried on by the actors. This can all be done before the show starts. During the show, I hand one thing to one person, take one thing from one person, and hold open a door. That's it. As I am backstage, I cannot watch the show. That's what tonight was supposed to be for. Tonight was the *crew watch*. That is the title of the evening. It's an opportunity for the crew to watch the show. But did I? Well, fuck no! Because the stage manager thought it would be a good idea for the prop people to "watch" the show from backstage. Even though none of our duties are even set as they are still changing things around. I did fuck nothing for an hour and 45 minutes. Absolutely nothing. I stood around being frustrated and bored and taking up space, and then pretending to be happy when the actors introduced themselves. I could not see the show and I could not hear the show. I only have a slightly better understanding of it than I did before. I HAVE NO CONNECTION TO THE SHOW. I don't even know what's fucking going on on the stage. So fucking frustrated and so fucking bored. It was torture, and it's going to be torture every fucking night.
What I could tell of the play was the following: not thirty seconds into it, there's a scene of simulated sex. The word "cunt" is used a great deal of times. This play was obviously written the day after the Sexual Revolution occurred. I don't know if you'd enjoy seeing it or not. There's a musical number at the end (there are musical numbers - it's weird) in which the ladies sort of ... heckle and insinuate upon the male members of the audience.
So, yeah. I had a fucking awful night. I barely know what's going on in the show. I have no connection to it, and my first impression of it is that it's a horrifically boring waste of my time. None of which I would have to feel right now if they had just let me *watch* the fucking show and feel connected to it. But no. Now the next three weeks of my life will suck a boatload of ass.
Email the second: Today (which is by now "yesterday") was also ten years since Karen died. I don't know if that contributed to my shitty day. I don't think it did, but then, as I discovered the other day when I was talking to Anita, we both have a lot of unresolved feelings about it. I meant to mention this somewhere in the other email. You don't have to make this its own reply. I don't know if I want to continue a discussion about it.
I think I'm going to see if I can get some sustenance from the vending machines in the basement. I might get a Coke, though it will surely fuck up my desperately needed sleep session.
Epilogue: I decided to get a bottle of water from the drink machine instead. It was 75 cents. I gave my money, pressed the button, and it pretended to vend. It accepted my money, but gave me no water. There were some chaps there playing that table-football game, so I couldn't even cry. Next, I made my way to the snack machine. It took my money gratefully, but every selection I made, though there was clearly a snack to be had, prompted the message "Make Another Selection". Every single one. So, dejected, I pushed the coin return and collected my change. Then I pressed my luck with the drink machine again, the fruit of which is the opened can of Coca~Cola now sitting in front of me.
Someone shoot me.
Preface: As ... someone may know, I am running a show now. Normally, I love this. I am an actress, foremost, but I love working crew, and I love my producing work. I am a theatre enthusiast in general. So when I say that I was achingly disappointed in my evening, I ain't just bullshitting you. Also, since I didn't mention this in the email, my scene partner for my class most definitely has a crush on me. It's really pissing me off. And if he doesn't learn his lines, I think I have every right to murder him. Moving on.
Email the first: Oh good, it's you. As my designated lifemate, you get to hear me carry on about my completely shitty day. I took a lot of napping last night, and actually slept for a good deal of the night. However, since I'd been so ... awake for a few days prior, I was still extremely tired. And I had to wake up early to do my laundry, because I'm not sure when I'm going to *get* another free *hour*. Whilst doing my laundry, I discovered something insidious. The dryers, which cost 75 cents per use, run for 54 minutes. Without exception. 75 more cents if you want 54 more minutes. What I have done in the past is, at select times, remove select clothing items which are already dry, to help the still-damp ones dry faster. I could take as much time as I wanted, since the timer only counted down while it was running. NOT ANYMORE, THOUGH! Now, the minutes get used up -- even if the dryer isn't on! What the fuck am I forking over my change for? Anyway, because of the need to do laundry, I had a very short time to get to class, even though my class was at one. First, though, I had to stop off at the store to get a gift for my "secret valentine" -- because my class decided this would be a good thing to do. I got a sample box of chocolates and a card with a smiley face on it. It cost less than three dollars, but that was still more than I was willing to spend. I need to conserve all my money for train tickets and, you know, to live. Despite my poverty, I still felt shame that mine seemed to be if not the cheapest, than one of the bottom two of everyone. Even though I am destitute. (On a that note, my father is bringing my prescription down to me on Sunday morning. I will beg for funds because I do not know shame or guilt.) My gift was a bar of candy that I didn't like, and a bag of "Veggie Twists" which actually is the sort of fruity new-age snack I'd go in for. Except the flavor - garlic and rosemary. ?!!?! So, after class I took the bus back to my room, unloaded some stuff and grabbed my pills and checked my emails. About 12 minutes total. Then I had to get another bus to go back to the other campus to work on the show. The bus was at the stop as I arrived. The EE. As I was *running up to and along side it* is when it started to pull away. I WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE! As it leaves me there, hoping that the driver sees my extended middle finger in his rear view window, I look across the street to see the F bus also pulling away. So I had to stand at the bus stop for about 15 minutes. All this means that I had about 15 minutes to go to the dining hall and attempt to have food. The only thing that had that I could actually eat were dry chicken finger (no honey or honey mustard) of which I had about four. It was terrible. And that's all I've had to eat all day. Also, I've been very dehydrated (which I note as I suck back my last bottle of water). Then I get to the show! I soon find that I have not yet begun to be pissed off. Let me start a new paragraph.
So, I am running props. My duties include setting the props and some furniture that will be onstage, and arranging items off-stage that will be carried on by the actors. This can all be done before the show starts. During the show, I hand one thing to one person, take one thing from one person, and hold open a door. That's it. As I am backstage, I cannot watch the show. That's what tonight was supposed to be for. Tonight was the *crew watch*. That is the title of the evening. It's an opportunity for the crew to watch the show. But did I? Well, fuck no! Because the stage manager thought it would be a good idea for the prop people to "watch" the show from backstage. Even though none of our duties are even set as they are still changing things around. I did fuck nothing for an hour and 45 minutes. Absolutely nothing. I stood around being frustrated and bored and taking up space, and then pretending to be happy when the actors introduced themselves. I could not see the show and I could not hear the show. I only have a slightly better understanding of it than I did before. I HAVE NO CONNECTION TO THE SHOW. I don't even know what's fucking going on on the stage. So fucking frustrated and so fucking bored. It was torture, and it's going to be torture every fucking night.
What I could tell of the play was the following: not thirty seconds into it, there's a scene of simulated sex. The word "cunt" is used a great deal of times. This play was obviously written the day after the Sexual Revolution occurred. I don't know if you'd enjoy seeing it or not. There's a musical number at the end (there are musical numbers - it's weird) in which the ladies sort of ... heckle and insinuate upon the male members of the audience.
So, yeah. I had a fucking awful night. I barely know what's going on in the show. I have no connection to it, and my first impression of it is that it's a horrifically boring waste of my time. None of which I would have to feel right now if they had just let me *watch* the fucking show and feel connected to it. But no. Now the next three weeks of my life will suck a boatload of ass.
Email the second: Today (which is by now "yesterday") was also ten years since Karen died. I don't know if that contributed to my shitty day. I don't think it did, but then, as I discovered the other day when I was talking to Anita, we both have a lot of unresolved feelings about it. I meant to mention this somewhere in the other email. You don't have to make this its own reply. I don't know if I want to continue a discussion about it.
I think I'm going to see if I can get some sustenance from the vending machines in the basement. I might get a Coke, though it will surely fuck up my desperately needed sleep session.
Epilogue: I decided to get a bottle of water from the drink machine instead. It was 75 cents. I gave my money, pressed the button, and it pretended to vend. It accepted my money, but gave me no water. There were some chaps there playing that table-football game, so I couldn't even cry. Next, I made my way to the snack machine. It took my money gratefully, but every selection I made, though there was clearly a snack to be had, prompted the message "Make Another Selection". Every single one. So, dejected, I pushed the coin return and collected my change. Then I pressed my luck with the drink machine again, the fruit of which is the opened can of Coca~Cola now sitting in front of me.
Someone shoot me.
Thursday
Yeah, it brought me to this place, into this gorgeous time.
I keep thinking that I have things to write about. And I probably do. I just never seem to get around to actually doing them. And as of this evening, I will have NO TIME.
That blows. I also have things to do for people. Which I am not doing. I am very tired.
Eh, so, anyway. The point of this entry was to mention that my sister died ten years ago today. So, that's rather ... huh.
My font style does not allow for any aesthetically pleasing way to credit the song in my title, so perhaps I'll just let them build up again, and then do another explanation in the future. Woo hoo! And idea.
That blows. I also have things to do for people. Which I am not doing. I am very tired.
Eh, so, anyway. The point of this entry was to mention that my sister died ten years ago today. So, that's rather ... huh.
My font style does not allow for any aesthetically pleasing way to credit the song in my title, so perhaps I'll just let them build up again, and then do another explanation in the future. Woo hoo! And idea.
Sunday
Up-Date.
Heeeee!
Yes, so. I had a very good weekend. And I am now upset that several of my friends had weekends nowhere near as good.
My weekend gifts/engagements included movie (Monster - a good film, but incredibly cheapened for me by the fact that the storyline was completely fake!), candy (from the movie - but super good!), a meal which did not include chicken, but instead shrimp (shocking!), My Fair Lady on DVD (even though I don't have a DVD player, which he knows), a book of Mensa™ logic puzzles, some illegally recorded music CDs (which I assume are actually on loan), and um, sporting events.Also, for all of Valentine's Day, I was wearing a shirt that said "My Girlfriend Can Totally Beat Up Your Girlfriend." It was great.
In the spirit of Venereal Disease, here is a sort of gift for you all (three) that actually isn't a gift, just something I've been meaning to do for a while. A list of all the lyrics I've used as titles, and the songs from whence they come! I'll come in great handy if you have insomnia, but won't help you otherwise! Ehem ...
January 29, 2003
"I Can't Reach You" by The Who (song written out in full)
February 26, 2003
"Happy Birthday to me"
from "The Happy Birthday Song" by Anonymous.
April 25, 2003
"It's a girl, Mrs. Walker, it's a girl."
from "Glow Girl" by The Who
June 14, 2003
"A new twist on a very old song."
from a live version of "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
August 9, 2003
"Timorous Me" by Ted Leo And The Pharmacists
August 13, 2003
"The Tyranny of Distance, Pt. 2"
album by Ted Leo And The Pharmacists
September 1, 2003
"Make Your Bed The River, Young Girl."
from "Make Your Bed" by Neko Case
November 7, 2003
"And nothing else matters when I turn it up loud."
from "Speakers Push The Air" by Pretty Girls Make Graves
November 26, 2003
"I plachu, I rydaiu mylyi za toboiu."
from "In A Glade" by Milla Jovovich
December 11, 2003
"And the world may be long for you, but it'll never belong to you."
from "Grace Cathedral Hill" by The Decemberists
December 16, 2003
"And time will tell us all."
from "The Battle Of Evermore" by Led Zeppelin
December 17, 2003
"Watch the clouds sift through the irreal."
from "No Need To Cry" by Neko Case
February 4, 2004
"Who's gonna start a rock and roll band?"
from "The Cheat Theme Song" by The Skate Party
Man. There were a lot fewer than I thought there were.
Yes, so. I had a very good weekend. And I am now upset that several of my friends had weekends nowhere near as good.
My weekend gifts/engagements included movie (Monster - a good film, but incredibly cheapened for me by the fact that the storyline was completely fake!), candy (from the movie - but super good!), a meal which did not include chicken, but instead shrimp (shocking!), My Fair Lady on DVD (even though I don't have a DVD player, which he knows), a book of Mensa™ logic puzzles, some illegally recorded music CDs (which I assume are actually on loan), and um, sporting events.
In the spirit of Venereal Disease, here is a sort of gift for you all (three) that actually isn't a gift, just something I've been meaning to do for a while. A list of all the lyrics I've used as titles, and the songs from whence they come! I'll come in great handy if you have insomnia, but won't help you otherwise! Ehem ...
January 29, 2003
"I Can't Reach You" by The Who (song written out in full)
February 26, 2003
"Happy Birthday to me"
from "The Happy Birthday Song" by Anonymous.
April 25, 2003
"It's a girl, Mrs. Walker, it's a girl."
from "Glow Girl" by The Who
June 14, 2003
"A new twist on a very old song."
from a live version of "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
August 9, 2003
"Timorous Me" by Ted Leo And The Pharmacists
August 13, 2003
"The Tyranny of Distance, Pt. 2"
album by Ted Leo And The Pharmacists
September 1, 2003
"Make Your Bed The River, Young Girl."
from "Make Your Bed" by Neko Case
November 7, 2003
"And nothing else matters when I turn it up loud."
from "Speakers Push The Air" by Pretty Girls Make Graves
November 26, 2003
"I plachu, I rydaiu mylyi za toboiu."
from "In A Glade" by Milla Jovovich
December 11, 2003
"And the world may be long for you, but it'll never belong to you."
from "Grace Cathedral Hill" by The Decemberists
December 16, 2003
"And time will tell us all."
from "The Battle Of Evermore" by Led Zeppelin
December 17, 2003
"Watch the clouds sift through the irreal."
from "No Need To Cry" by Neko Case
February 4, 2004
"Who's gonna start a rock and roll band?"
from "The Cheat Theme Song" by The Skate Party
Man. There were a lot fewer than I thought there were.
Thursday
I have a valentine (date)!
I am so happy!
I keep meaning to update this with ... things. But, well. You see how well that's turned out.
I keep meaning to update this with ... things. But, well. You see how well that's turned out.
HORRIFIED GASP!!
(Do not get used to an entry every day, three people that are reading this. This is brought about by insomnia.)
Say, Superhero Girl. You know how I totally hated you because Mona Lisa Smile was filmed about your town, and you were very close to Kirsten Dunst? WELL GET THIS!
Mona Lisa Smile was also filmed in GLEN RIDGE, NJ! Dude, dude, dude .... dude. Kirsten Dunst was, literally, two blocks away from where I live. SHE COULD HAVE COME TO MY HOUSE FOR TEA!
Jesus fuck. If I were able to sleep right now, I'd simply have to go take a nap.
Say, Superhero Girl. You know how I totally hated you because Mona Lisa Smile was filmed about your town, and you were very close to Kirsten Dunst? WELL GET THIS!
Mona Lisa Smile was also filmed in GLEN RIDGE, NJ! Dude, dude, dude .... dude. Kirsten Dunst was, literally, two blocks away from where I live. SHE COULD HAVE COME TO MY HOUSE FOR TEA!
Jesus fuck. If I were able to sleep right now, I'd simply have to go take a nap.
Wednesday
Who's gonna start a rock and roll band?
And can I be in it? Seriously. I have decided that I am best suited to be the singer of a band. While my aspirations are many, one of my primary goals will be to provide the public with songs that reflect an accurate use of the subjunctive.
It can be a chick band, but I'm not particular. I'll rock overtime.
Also, in the spirit of my clone here's a very short list:
Four songs that are not in my top four of favorite songs, but that I love nevertheless:
• "Aqualung" by Jethro Tull
• "St. Teresa" by Joan Osbourne
• "Biomusicology" by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
• "Summertime" by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong
It can be a chick band, but I'm not particular. I'll rock overtime.
Also, in the spirit of my clone here's a very short list:
Four songs that are not in my top four of favorite songs, but that I love nevertheless:
• "Aqualung" by Jethro Tull
• "St. Teresa" by Joan Osbourne
• "Biomusicology" by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
• "Summertime" by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong
Tuesday
I may be horrible to live with.
Subtitle: My Roommate Has Left the Building.
So, I was at home until today (having left my dormitory on Frieve) because yesterday was my father's birthday (he's a groundhog! and sixty!) and then today I had a doctorb's appointment (I'm fine! and I was taken off one of my medications!). So I returned to my dorm room about midday, on this very day, and all of my roommate's things are gone.
This is most unexpected! There is much emptiness! All she said to me on Friday was "See you soon". And now she appears to have left. No note or anything!
She had been discussing moving into a house with some of her sorority ... people, but I assumed that was for, you know, next year or something. I'd have appreciated a mention of "Oh, hey, I'm going to be leaving, like, now."
As you will recall, my previous roommate also left me mid-schoolyear. But she was a heinous bitchfiend. This one is actually nice and we get on well.
In unrelated events, I have not had a night of restful sleep in over two weeks.
I think that if I am made to live alone, that I will be sad. Last year I was cool with it, you know, because I was in the throes of major depression and such and such ... but I'm feeling quite personable now! Why does everyone want to leave Amy?
I will be very busy this semester, and I probably won't even be in the room enough for this to make a difference. And you know, come to think of it, I've never liked living with someone I don't know, and now I can play my music at a reasonable volume without fear of reproach, I never have to watch reruns of 7th Heaven again, and I can stay up late insomniatic nights working on graphics and long rants about the establishment. But, still.
You know what I mean.
Oh! Also, in mysteriously related news, I am very happy for and proud of someone today.
So, I was at home until today (having left my dormitory on Frieve) because yesterday was my father's birthday (he's a groundhog! and sixty!) and then today I had a doctorb's appointment (I'm fine! and I was taken off one of my medications!). So I returned to my dorm room about midday, on this very day, and all of my roommate's things are gone.
This is most unexpected! There is much emptiness! All she said to me on Friday was "See you soon". And now she appears to have left. No note or anything!
She had been discussing moving into a house with some of her sorority ... people, but I assumed that was for, you know, next year or something. I'd have appreciated a mention of "Oh, hey, I'm going to be leaving, like, now."
As you will recall, my previous roommate also left me mid-schoolyear. But she was a heinous bitchfiend. This one is actually nice and we get on well.
In unrelated events, I have not had a night of restful sleep in over two weeks.
I think that if I am made to live alone, that I will be sad. Last year I was cool with it, you know, because I was in the throes of major depression and such and such ... but I'm feeling quite personable now! Why does everyone want to leave Amy?
I will be very busy this semester, and I probably won't even be in the room enough for this to make a difference. And you know, come to think of it, I've never liked living with someone I don't know, and now I can play my music at a reasonable volume without fear of reproach, I never have to watch reruns of 7th Heaven again, and I can stay up late insomniatic nights working on graphics and long rants about the establishment. But, still.
You know what I mean.
Oh! Also, in mysteriously related news, I am very happy for and proud of someone today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
